Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Polls Are Closed

Well, technically, they closed sometime yesterday, as I had to decide what I was going to indulge in.

The results:
  • Chocolate -
  • Fat -
  • Swearing -
  • Yelling at small children ||
  • Sloth -
  • Procrastination -
  • Bad posture |
  • Bad oral hygiene (i.e. failure to floss regularly) ||
  • World hunger -
  • War ||
  • Misogyny -
  • Misandry -
  • Gerontophilism |
  • Narcissism |
  • Lust -
  • Narcissistic lust -
  • Gluttony -
  • Pride -
  • Excessive listmaking -
  • Excessive questioning of the status quo |
  • Vegetables |
  • Yelling at old people and lusting after small children |
And when I add my own three votes, we get:
  • Gluttony |||
But I am willing to give up more than one thing for you, my electorate, so in addition to giving up gluttony (in the form of eating large portions and eating out of boredom), I will give up bad oral hygiene, yelling at children, and war.

Yesterday I celebrated Mardi Gras by eating a pastry, two Hostess cupcakes, three cookies, a large yummy dinner (prepared by the amazing FoxyJ), and a molten chocolate cake with Haagen Daas vanilla bean ice cream and whipped cream (also courtesy of the foxy one). I also failed to floss, yelled at random children on the street, and invaded three small countries. I hereby repent of these sins. Until Easter.

And now I present, at no added cost (and I assure you, no added benefit), my answers to Tolkien Boy's inane questions:

The sweet kind or the sexual kind?
Is there a difference?
Yours or other people's?
What the hell?
What indeed.
Yours or other people's?
Actually, I read that most sloth meat is poisonous. Are you addicted?
I don't appreciate you mocking my addiction.
Don't you think it's taken you long enough to come to this resolution?
No, I think I'll put it off another year.
If you give this one up, does it give me permission to punch you in the stomach every time I see you slouch?
You, as well as anyone else who chooses to, always have permission to do so.
Are you aware that no one flosses except movie stars and the children of dentists?
Are you aware that you are the only person in the world who doesn't floss (as of today, now that I've started), and therefore should feel deep and lasting shame?
I gave this up in the spring of '89. Does it need to be given up again?
"...I would ask, can ye feel so now?"
In Bush's America?
Last I checked, Bush doesn't own the country. You must be thinking of Bill Gates.
You are aware, of course, that as long as you interact with women and maintain your Y chromosome, that this is impossible?
What makes you think I intend to do either?
Don't you know how cute the anders are?
Oh, believe me, I know.
How old is old?
40 and up.
You're giving me up?
Heh. Funny you should ask.
See last question?
See last answer?
Okay...that's weird...does this explain your need to wake at unholy hours to lift heavy weights?
Yes. Why is that weird?
A poll taken by Sir Jupiter and myself concludes that this is not something you deal with. Or are you talking metaphorically?
I am always talking metaphorically.
But not prejudice?
No, I never really had a thing for her. Apparently you didn't read my 100 Essential Facts carefully. Do so now; you'll notice he merits two facts but she, none.
Why not add excessive questioning of the status quo?
I did, but you were outvoted. Sorry.

Thank you for playing, please come again.

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