Surnames Part 4 (of 4): Names and Identity

My friend Melyngoch, who is the recurring motif of this series, intends to keep her last name when and if she gets married. Another friend, Jessica Benet, kept her last name when she got married (but honestly, who'd want to be called Jessicawill?), and if I'm not mistaken, Marcia kept hers too. (Lauryn Hill, who is the recurring motif of this blog and my life, doesn't count because she and Rohan Marley were never legally married. Or maybe she counts even more because that's how much she scoffs at patriarchal society.) No doubt there are several other women I know and respect who chose not to take their husbands' last names or don't intend to do so if they get married. This is not one of those "I respect them despite the fact that..." things; the truth is that I am secretly envious of them. I find the practice quite sound and indeed very cool. Part of me wishes I could be a woman who kept my last name when I got married. As fate and chromosomes would have it, though, I am stuck being a man who kept his last name when he got married, which isn't nearly as cool.

I would not call myself a feminist, as I am not educated enough in the history and theories of the movement(s) to deserve the title, but I would not hesitate to call myself a wannabe feminist, insofar as feminism strives for gender equality. In the name of gender equality, then, I'm all for women and men having their own last names.

At the same time, though, I see the practical and symbolic advantage of two married partners sharing the same last name. On the practical side, you have the ease of only having to remember one name for the entire family, and the space-saving considerations on post cards. And let's not forget the children: if the first generation has to deal with two last names (Fob-J), the second will have to deal with four (Fob-J-Steed-Thmazing) and the third with eight, and so on. As for the symbolic advantage of having a single name, there's something to be said for family unity, for two individuals becoming one flesh.

The problem is that tradition asks that the one flesh represented by that single last name be that of the husband's, which is clearly unfair. Perhaps the solution is to take the wife's name as the family name. But how is that any better? Replacing one unfair binary (male over female) with another (female over male) is not progress; it's revenge.

I like the course taken by Silly Marie's brother and sister-in-law, who have each taken the other's last name, making a hyphenated family name. But then this takes us back to the problem of that great-great-grandkid with sixteen last names (thirty-two when she marries).

There's always the example of Theric and Lady Steed, who have merged their blogonyms to create a single fictional surname, Thteed, but that is not always practical in reality, and then there's the issue of genealogical continuity and extended family unity. On the other hand, it's not like I feel any less connected to my sisters who have a different last name, either by birth or marriage, than to my brother who shares my last name.

Ultimately, a name is a name is a name. I care less about what you call yourself than about who you are. Which, I believe, is what FoxyJ was thinking when she decided to take my last name. If you're concerned about her identity being consumed in mine, take a look at her blog, where she has talked about being the wife of a gay man in maybe eight to ten posts out of 276, compared to my blog, where I talk about being a married gay man in about one out of every eight posts. FoxyJ's identity is defined not by her husband's identity but by her interest in books, current events, and social criticism; her struggle with the conflicting demands of academia and motherhood; by a capacity for strong emotion and the intellectual capability to step back from those emotions and analyze them critically; and by the love she has for the people in her life. Call her FoxyJ Fob, Jessie Christensen, or Faye Frome; she's the same person. If either of our identities has been radically altered by our marriage, it's mine, and it's for the better.

And it's nice to know that, should we ever decide that it was a bad idea to put our name out on the internet and on Fox13 News and in the Salt Lake Tribune, we can always fall back on hers. So if Master Fob mysteriously drops off the map some day, don't dismay; just look for Master J at the Jcave.

Surnames Part 3 (of 4): Karma

If the Angry Feminist (who happens to have long hair but is not Melyngoch) who declared conclusively that FoxyJ's taking of my last name is a sign of giving up her (Foxy's, not AF's or Mel's) identity to patriarchal society (i.e. me) were to get to know the semi-fictional blog world I've created, she'd have a heyday with my consumption of others' identities. Not only do my wife and children bear my blogonym (the Fob family), but so do my parents, siblings, and even my in-laws (Fobs by blood or marriage); my writing group (official Fobs); my friends, ranging from close personal friends to internet friends to people who might have commented on my blog a couple times to people who maybe just came to a party I threw because a mutual friend invited them (honorary Fobs); random people who happen to share a couple characteristics with me (gay Mormon Fobs); our apartment (the Fobcave); our car (the Fobmobile); and even a few vehicles and tools which have no counterparts in reality (such as the Fobwing and the Fobarang).*

A few years ago I wrote a paper combining feminist and post-colonialist theories to accuse Batman of colonizing his young female protege by dubbing her Batgirl. Basically, he stripped her of her own identity and gave her his. He branded her as an extension of him. Notice that he doesn't do this, for example, with Robin, who maintains his unique identity (albeit forever billed after Batman and...).

I am reminded of the wise words of Lauryn Hill:

Now don't you understand, man, universal law
What you throw out comes back to you, star
Never underestimate those who you scar
Cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard

I'm sorry, Batman, for calling you an imperialist woman-hater. Will you forgive me?

*I say this all somewhat jokingly, but I am rather disturbed by my apparent desire to remake everyone and everything in my image.

Surnames Part 2 (of 4): I Am Not My Hair

Have you noticed that my good friend A. A. Melyngoch has long hair? I have. Did you know that straight men--especially of the patriarchal variety--like women with long hair?

As you can see, the evidence is conclusive: Melyngoch has long hair because she is pandering to the desires of domineering straight men. She has no other motivation than to subjugate herself to Man's lust. The idea that she would grow her hair long as a simple matter of preference is ridiculous! Ha! I scoff at your ridicularity. There is simply no other logical explanation for Melyngoch's long hair except that she is a naively hopeful backwards Mormon hick who allows her identity to be determined by the oppressive traditions of a phallogocentric patriarchy. She should be ashamed of herself. I know I am. Hang your long-haired head in shame, Melyngoch, hang it low. I pity the pathetic victim you are.

Surnames Part 1 (or 4): Matriarchy

When we got married, FoxyJ took my last name. Just took it. Like a thief. It was mine, and she claimed it as if she had some right to it, as if her position in the matriarchy that is modern American society entitles her to take whatever damn last name she wants. What right, I ask, does she have to steal my identity? Because, do not be mistaken, we're not talking simply about a name here. We're talking about my identity. Everyone knows that one's identity and surname are intrinsically linked, eternally inseparable. Honestly, could you imagine having the same personality, likes, dislikes, passions, hopes, desires, body type and facial structure if you had a different last name? You wouldn't even have the same favorite Backstreet Boy! As the great philosopher Juliet once said, "A rose by any other name would not, dear Romeo, smell the same."

Surely you can see why I'm furious. Did FoxyJ ask me if I wanted to share my identity with her? No. This is why I'm going to have my revenge. I'm going to take her last name. Ha! I bet she and her fellow defenders of matriarchy didn't see that one coming. Serves them right.