Saturday, August 05, 2006

On (the lack of) Anonymity

Despite the fact that I stick to the moniker "Master Fob" (which, for those of you who are newcomers here, stands for Friends of Master Fob), I think it's pretty clear that any pretense of anonymity is only that--it's sort of the rules of the game I play, considering that all my blogger friends refrain from using their real names on their blogs. If you're wondering what my real name is, you have only to click here or here.

In a thread on Times & Seasons (thanks to L for the link), I have been praised by some for being open about my sexuality and criticized by a few others for "gambling" not only with my own and my wife's happiness, but also that of our children, not only by choosing to marry and have children in the first place, but also by choosing to go public with the circumstances of our marriage. I knew when I decided to out myself, as it were, that I would get both praise and criticism, though I didn't necessarily want either. Okay, I'll admit the praise is nice, but it's not the point.

I chose to make my sexuality and my decision to marry public, and to attach my name to said sexuality and decision, because I felt that all the issues involved in homosexuality are only made more complicated by the fact that no one talks about them, at least within the framework of the LDS Church and other conservative religious cultures. As long as the only people who talk about being gay are doing so from outside the culture--because their decision to "live a gay lifestyle" necessarily removes them from the culture--those within the culture will continue to believe that homosexuality exists only outside the culture. As long as Mormons believe homosexuality is someone else's problem, they will continue to drive away members of their own faith who don't have the convenience of assuming it is someone else's problem (I am not, by the way, condoning the assumption that homosexuality is in and of itself a problem). And guess what? Those people they're driving away are their own sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives.

Because I have made a life choice that the LDS church approves of, I am in a position where I can speak and faithful Mormons will not immediately tune me out. Like Ty Mansfield, I can tell people I'm gay because, for the most part, even the most conservative of Mormons are not going to condemn me for it as long as I am living a life they approve of. I don't like the fact that most people need to know that you're "on their side" before they'll listen to what you have to say, but it's reality. Once people accept the fact that I'm gay and I'm still a good person, hopefully that will open up to the idea that other homosexuals are good people, even if they might not have made the same decisions I have. At the very least it will force them to acknowledge that gay people exist outside the realm of those distant, shady promoters of the "gay agenda," whatever that is.

I laud people like L, Another Other, Elbow, and Samantha Stevens (I'm feeling lazy so you can check my sidebar for links) who discuss the issues involved in being gay, Mormon, and married from an anonymous vantage point. As I've pointed out to a couple of them, they're able to talk about things with a bit more honesty and candor than I am. For the sake of propriety and pride, I refrain from talking about past or present sins on this blog, as well as the details of Foxy's and my sex life. I don't spend a lot of time talking about the guy I see several times a week who makes me feel giddy to look at, because I don't feel that that would be respectful to my wife (to dwell on it, not to acknowledge it).

I do, however, believe it is important that at least some of us are willing to put our real names and faces out there. Someone needs to say, "Hey, wait a minute, I haven't done anything wrong. Why should I hide? What do I have to hide from?" Hopefully, as more and more of us refuse to hide, fewer and fewer will need to. I take this risk because I want my children to grow up in a world where they know that whatever struggles they have, whatever choices they make, they are not alone and they have nothing to fear.

Am I gambling with the happiness of the people I love most? Yes. But rest assured, my concerned friends, I wouldn't do so unless I believed that someone who knows the outcome of all gambles is on my side.

16 comments:

Erin aka- absent-minded secretary said...

"I take this risk because I want my children to grow up in a world where they know that whatever struggles they have, whatever choices they make, they are not alone and they have nothing to fear."

Everyone gambles with the happiness of those that we love the most. That is what life is, one big gamble. Only really good people, the best people gamble with the intent to make the world a better place.

Thank you Master Fob. I am a better person for knowing you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your story and, to say the least, it’s very interesting. I personally don't agree with supposedly gay men marrying women, but it's your life. Anyway, I have a question. As a gay man, I do not really understand your identifying yourself as gay, or any other man who identifies himself as gay and then gets married and have kids. I guess it’s mainly the sex part. If you’re gay, I really don’t see how it’s physically possible to have sex with a woman, unless you’re bisexual. Please enlighten this confused gay guy.
:-)

Th. said...

.

If it's time for Ask Master Fob, then I want to think of a question too....

Wait a second....

Okay, this:

Is S-Boogie having a happy birthday? Because if not, tell her I wish her one. (That should make all the difference.)

Th. said...

.

Check it out.

JB said...

The way you do this makes it so much easier to respect you for what you're doing. In general, I don't tend to agree with the idea of gay men marrying straight women, but I know that's what you and Foxy felt was right and I respect you both for it.

You want a family, FoxyJ is willing to work with you on this, this is the only way you can be LDS and have a family. Why not?

I really dislike this fatalistic view of it. That you're "gambling with everyone's happiness."

Divorce doesn't make everyone involved forever miserable. Sure, it hurts. Everyone involved is less happy for a while, but as long as both parents are able to be part of the children's lives, they won't be "screwed up" because of it. And if, heaven forbid, you and FoxyJ did ever get divorced, you and she likely would be miserable at first, but you'd both go on to be happy again eventually.

The fact that God's okayed it is reason enough to do it, in my book. That's a big part of why I have so much respect for you two. You're doing what God told you to, even though it's probably uncertain and kinda scary sometimes.

Th. said...

.

This one's even more telling.

Tolkien Boy said...

I realize the new, public format of this blog...but I have to ask a personal question...Have you decided for or against Seattle?

Inquiring bloggers want to know.

Samantha said...

I was going to ask you nicely to remove you from your blogroll for a couple of months, because my anonymity has been compromised--then I figured it's probably a lost cause. So I won't. So much for honesty and candor. Looks like I'm going to have to start working on having more propriety and pride...sigh...it won't be fun to write anymore...sigh again...

Samantha said...

Oops... I meant "remove ME" from your side bar/blogroll/whatever. SEE!!! I'm already having trouble writing now that I'm trying to have scruples.

Katria said...

I once heard it said that the Church is true, but sometimes its people aren't. I suppose that is where the Mormon Taboos come into play that we all really hate but don't quite know how to get rid of.

Anonymous said...

Good morning Ben (and family). My very best wishes to you for a great day.

I am not sure how I can contribute to your happiness or even if I can (this would be my limitation and not yours). I simply want to say that I am with you 100%.

I have several friends who I know to be gay and a few family members and they are great people. I had the good fortune that very near the time that my third daughter told us of her sexual identity I had time to give it several days of thought and came to the same conclusion that I think you have. I find all women attractive but have made a commitment to stay loyal to just one and that has not reduced who I am by one bit so that is where I am coming from.

I applaud your "lack of anonymity". I figure that there are around 200,000 LDS and 60,000,000 Jews, Muslems, and Christians who face this same issue each day (assuming the 2% rule is true). And double that for the whole 6 billion of us. That is a lot of people hiding. I have said this is meetings with varying degrees of acceptance but can one imagine what would happen if all 120 million were able to state their position.

Anyway, enough for today. I will visit often.
Bob Millward

GilmoreGuy said...

Bah, every marriage (hell, every choice) is a "gamble."

I wish people would stop looking to statistics or examples as justification for their choices (and especially failures). It's true, we need more examples of people who make difficult choices and learn to live honestly and openly. But using anyone else's situation as justification for one's own choices is irresponsible. We are responsible for our own choices. Fob is willing to take responsibility for his choices, and I'll do the same. And neither one of us will blame others for our success or failure.

Samantha said...

GG: A commenter on Another Other's chicken sub-blog said that the gay partner of mixed-orientation marriages should have vasectomies. I suggested that we should expand that based on the statistical probability of the 50% divorce rate we currently have, so that all even numbered marriage licenses purchased carry that same requirement--did you check the evens or odds on yours???

Lamentably, it is not possible for the gay member of my mixed-orientation marriage (that would be me) to get a vasectomy...sigh...

Th. said...

.

Don't do it!!!!

I just read an ad in the Guardian asking gay men for their sperm, to be given to lesbians!

I love Earth!

Christian said...

Congratulations! Today you made the Queerty blog. Judgment all around!

brooke said...

So, this is my first time reading your blog. I don't really understand. You are gay. But, you are married. So, do you act on your homosexuality or do you refrain? I should probably go back and read your archives, and I probably will. Just curious.