I am not a jealous man. This is actually a lie, but for the present purposes it is true. It does not bother me when my wife occasionally admits that she is attracted to Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt (though I do find her taste in men quite different from mine), and in fact I wouldn't mind if she did so more frequently. I know she loves me and is committed to me, so it doesn't matter if she's admiring some other guy from a distance.
What does make me jealous is when I see her reading the blog of a Salt Lake woman named Dooce (the woman doesn't need a link from me so you can find her blog yourself if you want to) and laughing hysterically. Sometimes I worry that she will stop breathing. Inevitably, when she can calm the laughter down enough to talk, she will call me or whoever else is near to the computer so she can show us what hilarious thing Dooce has said this time. Usually, it is quite funny, which is what makes it so bad.
Dooce, in case you don't know, gets enough regular hits on her blog that she can support her family with the advertisements on her sidebar. Everybody loves Dooce. I have tried to love her, but I can't. For a while I thought I'd read her blog regularly to figure out what she's doing right that I'm not. I just couldn't. In the first place, it is hard for me to get into the blog of a person I don't know in real life or have some other personal connection to. But even more than that, I have not been able to follow her blog because it makes me angry that I am not her.
In real life I am a funny person. This is not due to any greater-than-average portion of wit, but due to the odds being on my side. If I am comfortable with you, I will say out loud just about every thought that comes to mind--whether it be a random word association, a deliberate misunderstanding, or a nonsensical Your Mom joke--and the chances are, out of 100 attempts at being funny, at least 9 or 10 will invoke genuine laughter. This habit of mine makes any effort to have a serious conversation with me quite frustrating, as Foxy J, Lady Steed, my mother-in-law, or any number of people who know me will attest. Still, I like to think it makes me endearing. I don't believe that's true, mind you, I just like to think it.
My blog, though, tends to go something like this:
Hi. I am Master Fob. This is why I suck.I would like to tell myself that I am not funny on my blog because I am too busy being meaningful and poignant, but that's just stupid. Lots of people are funny and meaningful at the same time, such as Tolkien Boy on every blog post he ever writes, or Samantha Stevens when she is telling naysayers on Times & Seasons that they are being silly. Really, this is the blogger I'd like to be. I enjoy funny writing so much more when there's a point to it, whether the point be a philosophical epiphany or just a good story (I'm not saying that there isn't a point to Dooce's humor, by the way; I can't honestly say whether there is, as I don't read her blog).
Da da da da da da for five paragraphs.
And this is why I really don't suck, and you don't suck, and nobody sucks. Let's all hug. The end.
I think my lack of humor here comes from two things:
1. My sense of humor depends on interaction with people, as I tend to play off whatever they are saying. I could never be a standup comedian.
2. Blogging is my chance to be serious, since in real life I usually am not.
Which means, dear reader, that it sucks to be you. Or rather, it sucks to be me, as you will surely grow bored with my meandering and go check out Dooce's blog.
Da da da da da.
And this is why I really don't suck, and you don't suck, and nobody sucks. Let's all hug. The end.
16 comments:
I like the hugging.
Your blogs is one of my favorite to read. (Parties interested in determining whose is my absolute favorite can send cash to Ambrosia Ananas, at Local Address.)
I'm not going to tell you you're hilarious, because I know that's what you're going for--but I DO visit you blog much more often than I visit Dooce's (which would be never).
OH ALL RIGHT...actually, you have your moments when you're hilarious. There, I said it.
Well, I grinned.
And, who is this Dooce, anyway, to be taking traffic away from you?
People (ie roommates) tell me I'm funny, but I never do it on purpose. I don't think I could write humorously, on purpose, even though I'd like to.
My wife also loves Dooce and I find myself pretty jealous. And I've decided to hate Dooce purely on principle. What that principle is, I don't know, but I'll think of something.
I thought about doing the change-your-banner-all-the-time gig. Seemed appropriate given my blog title. But I'm unfunny, jealous, AND lazy, so that didn't work out.
Dooce's Husband (Blurbomat.com) has your SLT article linked on his website today.
It was odd to read that article, having read your blog for so long - it was like reading about a celebrity that just happened to be someone I know. Oddly, you are neither a celebrity nor someone I know.
Im a blog stalker.
She's crass, she's obnoxious, and she's a reformed Mormon. (That's always a big seller.)
If it's any consolation, I read your blog and hers today; yours made me laugh.
I think all blogs are an expression of people's lives and thoughts. It seems sorta rude to be commenting on one person's blog about how much you hate someone else's. Personally, I read both Dooce and The Fobcave, and find both enjoyable and humorous and insightful - in different ways, and sometimes in similar ways.
Can't we all just get along??
Hey Anon. *Waves*
I hope my post wasn't confusing. She IS crass and she IS obnoxious (both of which she herself has said repeatedly).
That doesn't mean I hate her; I actually spent all morning reading her blog. I was just trying to figure out what she has that Fob doesn't, like he asked. Attitude sells, is all I was sayin'.
Yeah...I'm all about being rude on your own blog--where else can you do it with such aplomb, finesse, and fine editing?
By the way, -L-, I don't think you should change your banner, just change your initial weekly. I know that would keep me coming back...which of the remaining 25 will he be today??? Or you could do a Sesame Street theme: "Today's blog is brought to you by the letter -L-..." Or maybe, just to mix things up you could use TWO letters...oh, the possibilities...
By the way, O Great Master Fob, I think it's really funny that your article is linked to Dooce's husband's blog...maybe he's secretly envious of her, as well...
I'm only jealous of her talent.
Best to you and yours.
Mine used to be like yours, until that is, I started sucking even worse then you. :D So just so you know, you suck better then me. :)
I hate Dooce too, and mostly because my wife loves to read her. boring.
Tell me, how did those crack reporters contact you, or discover you?
Thanks for the compliment. I know it sounds melodramatic, but I've been seriously considering bagging my blog, and comments like yours have decided me in favor of keeping it around (how serious could I have been, though, really?). I figured something out, though, from your comment...if I end my posts positively, then people won't think I'm negative! This is a good thing, as I've been trying to figure out how I can come across as less pessimistic.
You don't suck...but your web page comes dangerously close. I like what you have to say. I admire you, but that black background has got to go :) It's so hard to read...just thought.
I have a nacle buddy I used to feel the same way about. I know her in real life now, so I won't use her name, but I still wonder sometimes what she's got that I don't. I'm thinkin' talent.....
Glad I found you!
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