Tuesday, November 07, 2006

FAQ

(This is not one of the brilliant posts I concocted last night.)

Are you sure you're gay?

Well, I'm not officially licensed, but nine out of ten attendees say I throw a great Oscar party. This translates to a 5.2 on the ever-trusty Kinsey scale.

Why not live your life for you and not what others expect of you?

Indeed, why not? Oh, wait, you mean why not live my life according to what you expect of me? Hm. Interesting idea.

Hm.

After a great deal of serious thought, I've decided against it.

How do you expect your marriage to survive when statistics show that mixed-orientation marriages all fail?

Let's take a moment and think about how these "statistics" are calculated. See, in order to do a survey, you need willing participants. Who's more likely to participate in a survey on the success of mixed-orientation marriages--the gay guy who has left his wife and come out of the closet, or the gay guy who has quietly been living his life for the last thirty years, happily married? Have you noticed how many currently married gay men are willing to attach their names and faces to their situation? Do you honestly think anyone has a realistic idea of how many gay men are quietly, happily married to straight women? (This is not even counting the gay women who are happily married to straight men, who I suspect have a higher success rate.)

Do you have sex?

Foxy and I have joked about putting a counter on our blogs, but being as how that would be a mockery of something personal and sacred to us, we decided against it. This much I will say: We have two children, each conceived the old-fashioned way. And believe me, you just don't make children this perfect on the first try; in each case, we practiced quite a bit before the actual making was done.

Do you live in Orem so that you can be around narrow-minded people like you?

Actually, we live in Seattle so that we can be around narrow-minded people like us. As it turns out, narrow-minded people are everywhere--even Pennsylvania.

12 comments:

TK said...

I had to read this through twice - I laughed so much each time. Good answers!

Jerick said...

Hey Ben! I have spent most of my free time over the past couple of days reading your writing and have enjoyed it immensely! You're a new hero of mine -- don't let it go straight to your head!

Thank you for being who you want to be and for being willing to put yourself out there (here) where so many people can pass judgment.

And yes, I also love these responses to the FAQs!

G'pa Bob said...

"over and over and over and..."

Thank you for being who you want to be, Ben (as jerick said but it bears repeating).

Loyalist (with defects) said...

smartly thought out FAQs.

Melyngoch said...

You mean you used a turkey baster?

Samantha said...

I just want you to know that I commented on the blog of the Smugly Ignorant Foul-Mouthed Female (SMIFF). I'm assuming that my dizzying logic confounded and astounded her, because rather than publish my well-ordered, sans typos and profanity, comment, she published one that pandered to her own ego, then closed the comments.

I find it terribly difficult to remain silent when people are utterly, blatently, and obstreperously stupid.

Ah well, it seems I am being snubbed by a SMIFF...trying to feel badly about that...not sure it's working...

Bottom line--MF and FJ, you rock!

Anonymous said...

"Well, I'm not officially licensed"
Sorry about that. We "The Gays" have been swamped with work with all the new celebrities coming out of the closet.

I will have your official "Gay Card" sent to you in the mail by the end of next week. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Master Fob said...

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words.

And thanks, Alex, for getting on that delay. I swear, I sent in my application like a year ago.

Admirer of your wit & wisdom said...

I'm really impressed with your answer regarding statistics and surveys. What you said is so-o-o true!

People just don't stop and think about where the material for all these surveys comes from, or how accurate the 'research' is!

Master Fob said...

Mel--Is there any other way?

Sam--Thanks for commenting on the SMIFF's blog. I was secretly hoping you would astound and confound her with your dizzying logic, as I know you're good at that. I can't say I blame her for closing comments on the post--it appears that she was starting to get more than a couple comments pointing out the flaws in her argument (and from people other than me).

Anonymous said...

You made me smile this morning. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Nice.