Hope Was Here

Besides us, I know of another mixed-orientation couple that is divorcing, and another that is separating. A good friend of mine is breaking up with his boyfriend of over two years. I might conclude that gay people are not equipped to be in relationships of any sort, but another close friend of mine, a straight man in a long-term straight relationship, is also breaking up with his girlfriend.

When I look into my future I would like to see myself in a happy long-term relationship, but I see a lot of things that scare me. I see a lot of gay men who (a) aren't interested in long-term relationships, (b) I wouldn't want to be with, (c) wouldn't want to be with me, or (d) some combination of the above. I see the Pandora's box I'm opening by accepting the premise that commitments can be broken, by acknowledging that divorce is possible. I fear this will make future commitments that much more difficult to keep, that much more difficult to trust they will be kept.

I would like to think that FoxyJ has better chances than I, being that Mormons are almost inherently interested in committed relationships. I wonder how many good Mormon men are available, though, and how many of them can even pretend to be in her intellectual ballpark (all I've ever done is pretend, and for the most part it's worked). Part of this concern is selfish, of course, because I don't want to be responsible for her being alone for the rest of her life, but when I allow myself to see past my narcissism I really am concerned for her happiness.

Last year when I was applying for job after job I came up with the following catch phrase to describe my greatest strength: "I am optimistic enough to believe anything is possible, and stubborn enough to make it so." Problems would surely arise, I acknowledged, but I would deal with them as I had always done. I liked seeing myself this way. I'm afraid I'm losing that naive optimism, though.

There are some things I cannot do, some things that no amount of optimism or stubbornness can control. I can choose to stay married, but I cannot choose the consequences of that decision--I cannot force myself to be happy by telling myself and everyone else how happy I am and I cannot make FoxyJ happy with a relationship from which I am emotionally withdrawn because I don't want her to see how unhappy I am. On the other hand, I cannot choose the consequences of divorce.

I would like to end this post with my usual And that's why I don't really suck and you don't suck and let's all hug, or at least something along the lines of I may not be as naive as I once was, but that doesn't mean I have to give up hope, but honestly I don't see a lot of hope lately.