I am not an angry sort of person. No one who knows me would accuse me of having a short temper. I'm finding, however, that having a toddler pushes even my limits. Take, for example, tonight's clean-up session:
Me: No, Sophie, don't throw the blocks. Just set them in the bucket.
[Sophie giggles and throws another block, which ricochets off the bucket rim and hits me in the face]
Me: Sophie. Look at me.
Sophie: No.
Me: Do NOT throw the blocks.
[Sophie picks up a block, swings backward as if preparing to launch, and smiles]
Me: NO. If you throw another block, you're going to timeout.
Sophie: Okay. [She drops the block in the bucket]
Meanwhile, I'm thinking, I am not going to get angry. There's no reason to get angry. Getting angry won't teach her anything except that Daddy is angry. Stay calm, Ben, and reason with her.
The problem is that it is impossible to reason with a toddler. The logic I value so much, that shapes every decision I make, means nothing to her. Reasoning with her is like reasoning with a brick wall.
Me: Okay, Sophie come here now. We need to pick up these blocks.
[Sophie lies on the floor, kicking her legs in the air]
Me: Sophie, listen to me. Come here right now.
Sophie: I'm coming.
Me: It doesn't look like you're coming. Stand up and come here.
[Sophie stays on her back and begins to wiggle--very sloooowly--toward me]
Me: [Honestly concerned that we will not finish cleaning up by midnight at this rate, but also aware that I am now allowing it to become a control issue, which is not the best parenting technique] Sophie, stand up on your feet and come here RIGHT NOW.
Sophie: I'm am coming! [Continues to wiggle in my direction]
Me: Okay. Fine. Now pick up these blocks and put them in the bucket. And don't--
[Sophie picks up a block and throws it at the bucket]
Me: [Picking her up, not very gently, and sitting her on the timeout chair, not very gently] WHAT did I TELL you?! Do NOT throw the BLOCKS! You are in timeout for three minutes!
I think I acted as best I could, but what I don't like is how angry I allowed myself to get. Timeout is the method of discipline Jessie and I have decided is best, and I hope that eventually some kind of lesson will sink in, but I don't foresee my yelling at Sophie having any longterm positive effect. In fact, probably the opposite--both for her and for me. I don't like that, despite my best efforts to stand back and say, It's okay, she's only three, she's learning, you can't expect her to behave like a rational adult, I still failed to maintain any appearance of myself as the rational adult. I don't like that something so small and insignificant can have such a great impact on my emotional state.
In a very parallel way, I've been dealing for the last week and a half with some woman who doesn't know me, and shouldn't even matter to me, but manages to make me literally shake with anger. When I first happened upon her criticism of my writing, which crosses over into slander of my character, I tried to reason with her, but came up against much the same brick wall that I experience with Sophie. She simply isn't interested in having a rational dialogue with me. Rather, she's interested in insulting me. Last Tuesday morning, once I got to the point where I could think of nothing but this woman's venomous attacks and I couldn't focus on my life because I was too angry, I decided I would just stay away from her blog. Still, though, I've spent the last week thinking of this woman's false accusations and how I want to tell her how wrong she is. Tonight I briefly checked back in on her blog to read a comment a friend had written in my defense, and then found myself, for the next hour, unable to even hold a dinner fork steady.
The obvious lesson here is that I should not go places that I know will make me angry. But the more important thing I'd like to figure out is how to deal with that anger when it does come up, as it unavoidably will. Perhaps precisely because I am so unused to being angry, I don't know what to do when I am.
One good thing Sophie is teaching me is not to hold onto emotions for too long. Sophie can be screaming and crying and kicking you in one moment, then giggling and kissing and telling you she loves you in the next. Tonight, after her timeout--which more than anything, gave me a few moments to regain my composure--she gave me a big hug, we talked about why she had gone to timeout, and then she proceeded to pick up all her blocks and set them gently in the bucket. Where I had been furious with her a few minutes earlier, now she had me smiling and laughing. If only anger were always so easily resolved.
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8 comments:
Seriously, I'd think about visiting the IMA, which I'm guessing you leave near...I found there was nothing quite as satisfying as kicking the $*@# out of a soccer ball until I was too tired to boot it anymore. Or, hit the Burke as hard as you can on that bike. That's the only thing that worked for me when I heard from Mr. Little Red Schoolhouse, anyway. ;)
Anger is a valid sensation just as the taste of salt is. Anger tells one that an injustice has occured.
How one acts depends on how thoroughly one has thought about the injustice. And if one has separated this one from all of the other injustices that one has seen. Each injustice must be handled as a unique event and the punishment must, within human capability, fit the crime.
Showing no anger at all would send the incorrect messaage to Sophie - there was a reason to get angry because an injustice is occuring. Explaining to her (over and over and over and over...) that she must help clean up her own messes because that is what a real grown-up does is one of the facets. Timeout (a penalty) for wasting your time is another.
Un-grown-up adults can change too. They simply need to have their poor thinking explained to them (over and over and over and over...) and sometimes they need to be sued (the penalty). They may eventually get it. They may not - some people love a lie. Our Savior says "Judge (condem) not that ye may not be condemed." I am sad that you have this burden but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the illness of the other person. You are doing her and the world a favor if you are able to help her get past her problem but you are not accountable if she does not.
In both her and Sophies case you are playing the role of coach. You can not force the deep change that must come about for real adult-hood to occur.
Very best wishes,
G'pa Bob
Hot damn that's a good story about real life. Sure blogs are great for connecting with folks on "the internets" but the real value is the self-reflection for the writer and self-reflection for the reader. Sometimes I worry too what would happen if I got angry, cause I too avoid emotional situations as well. I'd better figure out soon, cause with any prayer, I'll have kids one day too.
I am now feeling great anger at blogger and google because I typed the most eloquent and insightful comment the Internet has ever seen, only to have it deleted when blogger wanted to redirect my id to my google account.
Aaaaaaahhhh!!!
Ahem.
Now that I've recomposed myself, here are the highlights: Last night my son repeatedly kicked me in the face, we timed out, we talked, he's sweet again, and I like what g'pa bob said about showing a little bit of anger for the sake of clear communication. Not scary, not uncontrollable, but enough to show that I'm not a clinically detached parent. Kicking in the face really does hurt and hurting people really does matter.
Also, I want to go track down angry blogger lady who upset you, but I know it would be counter-productive. I've started to realize that it doesn't matter too much how great a person's argument or how articulate they are if their life represents the consequences of their views, and their life is clearly filled with bitterness. On that g'pa bob and I diverge--there are some people who will never never be persuaded to see reason no matter how many times you explain it to them. But you never know who they are, so you keep trying, I guess, unless the explaining becomes painful. Then you just walk away.
Thanks for giving a happy resolution to the Sophie part. Just imagining myself in that situation was stressful.
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For the record, I have had the exact same responses to both our toddler and that same woman. And it's not even me she hates!
(Actually, I think if she knew about me she would hate me, but she doesn't, so her hate is only the general hate she gives to everyone who has ever called a firefighter a fireman.)
Wow! I'd say you handled the situation with your daughter very well. Just being aware of what you should and shouldn't do put you ahead of a lot of parents in the same situation.
As to this woman, I've heard you refer to her, but have no idea what's going on - I have a feeling I'd probably get angry too, if I did. The thing that came to my mind as I read your remarks was something I read from a GA's talk. It impressed me b/c I'd never thought of it. I tend to try to explain everything, thinking logic is the solution to differences. But this talk referred to how the Savior reacted when he was being questioned right before his crucifixion (when he refused to answer).
He pointed out that sometimes the best way to handle a situation is to say nothing. When I read it, I thought, that makes sense. Explaining in a patient, logical way, fits some situations. But when someone seems intent on attacking you, they could care less about logic. Once you figure that out, best maybe not to waste you're time, b/c they're not looking for an explanation, and don't care what you have to say. They just want to be heard.
Okay, I'm gonna skip all the anger stuff and go straight to the Sophie stuff- I think you did a great job, but I also think you might have given her too many chances to be a booger head.
I like to play clean up like this: If mommy doesn't get your help right away then mommy gets to keep the toys. Sometimes I use the trash can as my "toy box". It cuts down on clutter AND you really only have to do it a few times before they get the idea.
(When I don't throw the stuff away, the kids do have an opportunity to earn the toys back with good behavior the next day)
PS: who hates you/your writing??!! does she dedicate her whole blog to flaming you? If she seems to spend alot of time criticising you, maybe you should be flattered. I mean, you obviously have given her something to think about and have inadvertantly found a way to touch her life, in some form...
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