Friday, August 10, 2007

For Gentlemen Only

I figure if FoxyJ can talk about womanly grosseries on her blog, I can talk about manly grosseries here. That said, if you're uncomfortable with somewhat graphic discussion of the big M (as my cousin once put it, the word that starts with M and ends with asturbation), I won't feel bad at all if you leave now.

(Space for you to leave if you want to. I mean it. Buh bye.)

So. I have gone on the record before stating that I had never seen a man masturbate in a locker room shower. Frankly, I figured that guys who claimed to have seen such a thing were making it up, or maybe they just didn't really know what masturbation was. Like maybe they didn't know you're actually supposed to wash your genitals, and yes, that involves touching them.

No more. I am now a believer.

Lately I have taken to sitting in the sauna and reading for fifteen minutes after working out. I find it very relaxing. Yes, I notice that there are often other naked men in there, and I have glanced away from my book more than once, but really if I look for more than half a second I become paranoid that guys will think I'm staring, so I don't. The truth is that I'm hugely self-conscious about people thinking I'm staring even when they're fully clothed. Not everyone, apparently, is so self-conscious.

This morning I was alone in the sauna reading my book when in walked a man. He was old enough to be white-haired but still in decent shape--overall neither very attractive nor very unattractive. So I noticed him enter and sit down across the room from me, and then I went back to my book. After a few minutes I noticed that he was feeling himself quite a bit; nothing obscene, but just more penis-holding than I personally am comfortable with in a public place. Most of the time he had his other hand over his face, but occasionally he'd look at me. I assumed he thought I was staring at him, so I focused more on my book.

My fifteen minutes ended and I went to my locker to drop off my book and pick up my shampoo. Then I headed to the shower, and there was that man, showering in the middle stall. I picked a stall at the end, with another guy between the two of us. I noticed the white-haired man glancing in my direction frequently, and he seemed to be awfully concerned that he get that penis all the way clean. I continued with my shower. The other guy left, leaving just the two of us in the showers. Once there was no one else around, the white-haired man dropped all pretenses. Now he was obviously staring at me, and masturbating quite vigorously. I was flattered, to be honest, that he apparently found me at least somewhat attractive, but much greater than the flattery was the yuckiness that this man was jerking off in a public shower. Really, what would possess anyone to do that?

I'm not sure what an appropriate reaction would have been on my part. I assumed he wanted some kind of reaction, so I gave him none. Or at least I tried--I couldn't keep a baffled chuckle from escaping as I walked away.


JB said...

Woah. This reminds me of Eleka's post. Only more. . . graphic. And sexual. That's kinda gross. Funny, my first thought was concern that he'd try to rape you or something. I'm glad nothing like that happened, but to so openly masturbate about (and at!) someone? GROSS. Maybe with age people lose more inhibitions?

OMG, my word verification is: manro


Samantha said...

Okay--I would have laughed--I'm not sure I'd be able to stop laughing. So good that I'm not a gentleman who frequents saunas and showers where men masturbate.

P.S. That just seems unsanitary--which makes me want to stop laughing just a tiny bit.

And your word verification is sick. Mine's: pnisz

Th. said...


I'm leaving a comment just to see what my word verification will be.



SenecaSis said...

My comment was going to be: ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING (of that aged man)!!! Private actions should be kept in private places...

But when I saw the comments on the word verifications I had to look at mine: rlece.

Double YUCK!

Sir Jupiter said...

So on my LAST DAY of serving in the Chile Santiago East Mission, I was in the brand spanking new Santiago International Airport. We were waiting in the long Delta line to check in.

Anyway, long story short, I went to a urinal, did my business, seemed to notice that the guy next to me was shaking rather vigorously and for a rather long time. Turns out he was masturbating. While staring at me. Next to him.

...And then I turned out to be gay.

-L- said...

I told you so. Somehow I have heard many stories about people masturbating in all sorts of public places--airports (like Sir Jupiter), restaurant bathrooms, but saunas and public showers take the prize. I too am baffled by this. I must give off the general impression that I'll call the cops, cuz they never do it around me. Must be my constant glaring and smacking my hand with the baseball bat I carry around.

Chris said...

I think I probably would have said something along the lines of the following: "Oh honey, I'm SOOOOO not interested."