I lay in bed wide awake last night until well past three. Surprisingly, this was not because I was fuming with anger. As a matter of fact, I found that blogging last night about being angry helped me to feel at peace with that whole situation. Mostly, I couldn't fall asleep because I was alternating between hot flashes and cold flashes, which I think can be attributed to the cold I'm getting over.
At any rate, I spent most of the night composing six of the most incredible blog posts ever known to Woman, Man, or Other. Seven including this one. Assuming that these posts end up half as amazing on screen as they were in my head at 2:30 this morning, you, my dear readers, are in for a treat. If I were you I'd start holding my breath right about... now.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
Anger
I am not an angry sort of person. No one who knows me would accuse me of having a short temper. I'm finding, however, that having a toddler pushes even my limits. Take, for example, tonight's clean-up session:
Me: No, Sophie, don't throw the blocks. Just set them in the bucket.
[Sophie giggles and throws another block, which ricochets off the bucket rim and hits me in the face]
Me: Sophie. Look at me.
Sophie: No.
Me: Do NOT throw the blocks.
[Sophie picks up a block, swings backward as if preparing to launch, and smiles]
Me: NO. If you throw another block, you're going to timeout.
Sophie: Okay. [She drops the block in the bucket]
Meanwhile, I'm thinking, I am not going to get angry. There's no reason to get angry. Getting angry won't teach her anything except that Daddy is angry. Stay calm, Ben, and reason with her.
The problem is that it is impossible to reason with a toddler. The logic I value so much, that shapes every decision I make, means nothing to her. Reasoning with her is like reasoning with a brick wall.
Me: Okay, Sophie come here now. We need to pick up these blocks.
[Sophie lies on the floor, kicking her legs in the air]
Me: Sophie, listen to me. Come here right now.
Sophie: I'm coming.
Me: It doesn't look like you're coming. Stand up and come here.
[Sophie stays on her back and begins to wiggle--very sloooowly--toward me]
Me: [Honestly concerned that we will not finish cleaning up by midnight at this rate, but also aware that I am now allowing it to become a control issue, which is not the best parenting technique] Sophie, stand up on your feet and come here RIGHT NOW.
Sophie: I'm am coming! [Continues to wiggle in my direction]
Me: Okay. Fine. Now pick up these blocks and put them in the bucket. And don't--
[Sophie picks up a block and throws it at the bucket]
Me: [Picking her up, not very gently, and sitting her on the timeout chair, not very gently] WHAT did I TELL you?! Do NOT throw the BLOCKS! You are in timeout for three minutes!
I think I acted as best I could, but what I don't like is how angry I allowed myself to get. Timeout is the method of discipline Jessie and I have decided is best, and I hope that eventually some kind of lesson will sink in, but I don't foresee my yelling at Sophie having any longterm positive effect. In fact, probably the opposite--both for her and for me. I don't like that, despite my best efforts to stand back and say, It's okay, she's only three, she's learning, you can't expect her to behave like a rational adult, I still failed to maintain any appearance of myself as the rational adult. I don't like that something so small and insignificant can have such a great impact on my emotional state.
In a very parallel way, I've been dealing for the last week and a half with some woman who doesn't know me, and shouldn't even matter to me, but manages to make me literally shake with anger. When I first happened upon her criticism of my writing, which crosses over into slander of my character, I tried to reason with her, but came up against much the same brick wall that I experience with Sophie. She simply isn't interested in having a rational dialogue with me. Rather, she's interested in insulting me. Last Tuesday morning, once I got to the point where I could think of nothing but this woman's venomous attacks and I couldn't focus on my life because I was too angry, I decided I would just stay away from her blog. Still, though, I've spent the last week thinking of this woman's false accusations and how I want to tell her how wrong she is. Tonight I briefly checked back in on her blog to read a comment a friend had written in my defense, and then found myself, for the next hour, unable to even hold a dinner fork steady.
The obvious lesson here is that I should not go places that I know will make me angry. But the more important thing I'd like to figure out is how to deal with that anger when it does come up, as it unavoidably will. Perhaps precisely because I am so unused to being angry, I don't know what to do when I am.
One good thing Sophie is teaching me is not to hold onto emotions for too long. Sophie can be screaming and crying and kicking you in one moment, then giggling and kissing and telling you she loves you in the next. Tonight, after her timeout--which more than anything, gave me a few moments to regain my composure--she gave me a big hug, we talked about why she had gone to timeout, and then she proceeded to pick up all her blocks and set them gently in the bucket. Where I had been furious with her a few minutes earlier, now she had me smiling and laughing. If only anger were always so easily resolved.
Me: No, Sophie, don't throw the blocks. Just set them in the bucket.
[Sophie giggles and throws another block, which ricochets off the bucket rim and hits me in the face]
Me: Sophie. Look at me.
Sophie: No.
Me: Do NOT throw the blocks.
[Sophie picks up a block, swings backward as if preparing to launch, and smiles]
Me: NO. If you throw another block, you're going to timeout.
Sophie: Okay. [She drops the block in the bucket]
Meanwhile, I'm thinking, I am not going to get angry. There's no reason to get angry. Getting angry won't teach her anything except that Daddy is angry. Stay calm, Ben, and reason with her.
The problem is that it is impossible to reason with a toddler. The logic I value so much, that shapes every decision I make, means nothing to her. Reasoning with her is like reasoning with a brick wall.
Me: Okay, Sophie come here now. We need to pick up these blocks.
[Sophie lies on the floor, kicking her legs in the air]
Me: Sophie, listen to me. Come here right now.
Sophie: I'm coming.
Me: It doesn't look like you're coming. Stand up and come here.
[Sophie stays on her back and begins to wiggle--very sloooowly--toward me]
Me: [Honestly concerned that we will not finish cleaning up by midnight at this rate, but also aware that I am now allowing it to become a control issue, which is not the best parenting technique] Sophie, stand up on your feet and come here RIGHT NOW.
Sophie: I'm am coming! [Continues to wiggle in my direction]
Me: Okay. Fine. Now pick up these blocks and put them in the bucket. And don't--
[Sophie picks up a block and throws it at the bucket]
Me: [Picking her up, not very gently, and sitting her on the timeout chair, not very gently] WHAT did I TELL you?! Do NOT throw the BLOCKS! You are in timeout for three minutes!
I think I acted as best I could, but what I don't like is how angry I allowed myself to get. Timeout is the method of discipline Jessie and I have decided is best, and I hope that eventually some kind of lesson will sink in, but I don't foresee my yelling at Sophie having any longterm positive effect. In fact, probably the opposite--both for her and for me. I don't like that, despite my best efforts to stand back and say, It's okay, she's only three, she's learning, you can't expect her to behave like a rational adult, I still failed to maintain any appearance of myself as the rational adult. I don't like that something so small and insignificant can have such a great impact on my emotional state.
In a very parallel way, I've been dealing for the last week and a half with some woman who doesn't know me, and shouldn't even matter to me, but manages to make me literally shake with anger. When I first happened upon her criticism of my writing, which crosses over into slander of my character, I tried to reason with her, but came up against much the same brick wall that I experience with Sophie. She simply isn't interested in having a rational dialogue with me. Rather, she's interested in insulting me. Last Tuesday morning, once I got to the point where I could think of nothing but this woman's venomous attacks and I couldn't focus on my life because I was too angry, I decided I would just stay away from her blog. Still, though, I've spent the last week thinking of this woman's false accusations and how I want to tell her how wrong she is. Tonight I briefly checked back in on her blog to read a comment a friend had written in my defense, and then found myself, for the next hour, unable to even hold a dinner fork steady.
The obvious lesson here is that I should not go places that I know will make me angry. But the more important thing I'd like to figure out is how to deal with that anger when it does come up, as it unavoidably will. Perhaps precisely because I am so unused to being angry, I don't know what to do when I am.
One good thing Sophie is teaching me is not to hold onto emotions for too long. Sophie can be screaming and crying and kicking you in one moment, then giggling and kissing and telling you she loves you in the next. Tonight, after her timeout--which more than anything, gave me a few moments to regain my composure--she gave me a big hug, we talked about why she had gone to timeout, and then she proceeded to pick up all her blocks and set them gently in the bucket. Where I had been furious with her a few minutes earlier, now she had me smiling and laughing. If only anger were always so easily resolved.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Today in the News...
Here's the link.
Well, it's not too painful. I look and sound kind of dorky, but that's to be expected.
Well, it's not too painful. I look and sound kind of dorky, but that's to be expected.
Orientation
I'm writing this post for those of you who might have done a Google search looking for "Ben and Jessie Christensen, that wild and wacky couple I saw on the Fox 13 News segment about married gay Mormons." Those of you who came upon this blog by searching for "rubber pants" can leave now--we're all out.
I am Ben Christensen, and I am a self-identified gay man who has chosen to marry and stay married to a woman. Our choice to get married had something to do with our upbringing in the Mormon faith, which teaches that homosexual behavior is a sin. Ultimately, though, Jessie and I made the decision to marry and to stay married of our own free will and conscience, free of coercion or pressure from the Mormon church. Leaders of the church, in fact, have stressed that marriage should not be seen as a cure for homosexual attraction. I wholeheartedly agree with them on this point. In other words, if you're looking for someone to tell your gay son that he should just marry a woman and everything will be all right, I'm not that person. I believe that those kinds of decisions can only be made by the individual following his or her own conscience; just as I ask that people respect Jessie's and my decision to be married, I respect the decision of my gay friends who have chosen celibacy or same-sex relationships as their road to happiness.
You will notice that this blog is not called the Gaycave and my Blogger ID is not Master Gay (Fobcave and Master Fob are actually references to my writing group, the Friends of Ben). This blog is not about a married gay Mormon, but rather about a man who, among other things, is married, gay, and Mormon. As my wife recently pointed out, part of our point in being public about this detail of our marriage is to show that we are normal people living normal lives. I feel that a blog in which I only write about being gay, then, would defeat that purpose.
However, I'm guessing that if you came looking for this blog because you saw me and Jessie on Fox 13 News, it's not that you were saying, "Gee, I bet that Ben Christensen is a good writer; I'd like to read more about his obsession with Lauryn Hill or his adventures as a Library and Information Science student." For those of you who are looking for information about being gay, Mormon, and married, first I would suggest the essays I wrote for Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought, then a few posts I have written on the topic since then. After that, you may want to check out some of the blogs linked in my sidebar under the heading "Gay Mormon Fobs." Here you will find a broad spectrum of experiences and opinions that will give you a fuller view of the gay Mormon picture than I could by myself.
I am Ben Christensen, and I am a self-identified gay man who has chosen to marry and stay married to a woman. Our choice to get married had something to do with our upbringing in the Mormon faith, which teaches that homosexual behavior is a sin. Ultimately, though, Jessie and I made the decision to marry and to stay married of our own free will and conscience, free of coercion or pressure from the Mormon church. Leaders of the church, in fact, have stressed that marriage should not be seen as a cure for homosexual attraction. I wholeheartedly agree with them on this point. In other words, if you're looking for someone to tell your gay son that he should just marry a woman and everything will be all right, I'm not that person. I believe that those kinds of decisions can only be made by the individual following his or her own conscience; just as I ask that people respect Jessie's and my decision to be married, I respect the decision of my gay friends who have chosen celibacy or same-sex relationships as their road to happiness.
You will notice that this blog is not called the Gaycave and my Blogger ID is not Master Gay (Fobcave and Master Fob are actually references to my writing group, the Friends of Ben). This blog is not about a married gay Mormon, but rather about a man who, among other things, is married, gay, and Mormon. As my wife recently pointed out, part of our point in being public about this detail of our marriage is to show that we are normal people living normal lives. I feel that a blog in which I only write about being gay, then, would defeat that purpose.
However, I'm guessing that if you came looking for this blog because you saw me and Jessie on Fox 13 News, it's not that you were saying, "Gee, I bet that Ben Christensen is a good writer; I'd like to read more about his obsession with Lauryn Hill or his adventures as a Library and Information Science student." For those of you who are looking for information about being gay, Mormon, and married, first I would suggest the essays I wrote for Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought, then a few posts I have written on the topic since then. After that, you may want to check out some of the blogs linked in my sidebar under the heading "Gay Mormon Fobs." Here you will find a broad spectrum of experiences and opinions that will give you a fuller view of the gay Mormon picture than I could by myself.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me
Announcing my birthday present from my brother Svoid:
http://www.fobcave.com
(You'll notice that right now it looks just like this one--in fact it redirects to this one--but you may want to change your bookmark, as new and exciting things will be coming soon. Well, sooner or later.)
http://www.fobcave.com
(You'll notice that right now it looks just like this one--in fact it redirects to this one--but you may want to change your bookmark, as new and exciting things will be coming soon. Well, sooner or later.)
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Fob: The Opiate of the Masses
I'm flattered that someone found me by Googling "FOB religion," and especially because the fact that I don't show up until page 7 shows determination, but honestly, folks, I don't have the time. Maybe Theric is interested in starting a cult, though.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Ten Good Things that Have Happened (or Will Happen) to Me This Week, Whether I Deserved Them or Not, in No Particular Order
- I have been offered the job I interviewed for last week. This is a good thing because it means that next quarter my tuition will be paid, my family will be insured, and I will have more than enough money to pay the rent.
- I have been informed that, even though both jobs are for departments of the same greater institution, I will be able to keep my current job at the library while I have the other job. This is good because it means I will continue to gain valuable experience in an academic library, I will make a little more money, and I will still have a job come spring when the temporary admissions application reading position ends.
- I have been invited to interview for a student librarian job with Seattle Public Library. This is good because it would pay well and would ensure that I can pay the rent through the rest of my graduate education, pretty much. Except I'm not sure I want three jobs next quarter.
- Yesterday FoxyJ had a good day. I count this as a good thing that happened to me not, he says self-consciously, because I count my wife as an extension of me or as my property or any such nonsense, but because I feel happy when I see her happy.
- Tolkien Boy went to the gym with me yesterday. The fact that this is a frequent occurrence does not make it any less good. And I had a particularly good time yesterday.
- Melyngoch, as you know, wrote me a nice email yesterday. This is good because I was having a very crappy morning that literally turned around the moment I read this email.
- This morning I got another, somewhat similar (though not quite so passionate), nice email from a "periodic lurker" of my blog. This is good because I like people who like me.
- Tomorrow FoxyJ is throwing me a birthday party. This is good because I like FoxyJ, and I like my friends.
- When I entered class yesterday wearing my Superman t-shirt under my unbuttoned dress shirt, as I have done for the last five Halloweens, a friend of mine hummed the theme song from Superman. This is good because I like attention.
- According to FoxyJ's aunt, Fox 13 is showing blurbs with footage of me and S-Boogie carving our pumpkin. Apparently the pumpkin-carving special will be on this Sunday's Fox 13 News at Nine. This is good because I like publicity and I am indiscriminate as to how I get it.
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