Fobletter '07: The Crappy Version

Our friends Theric and Lady Steed make quite the production of their yearly Last Day of the First Month of the New Year letter, both in the writing and in the publication, and the result is always impressive. So much so, in fact, that a couple years ago all the stuff that didn't make it into the final cut made for a handful of entertaining "deleted scenes" blog posts. Consider this post my attempt to follow in Theric's tradition, except for the minor detail that Theric's excrement is better than my gold. And this is not my gold. Really, I'm just putting up this first draft of our Christmas letter instead of the real thing because Theric told me it kills the joy of getting the paper copy to have the same thing available online. So this is my overwrought, undone way of saying Happy Holidays to you, dear blog readers. Thanks to FoxyJ's honest criticism, the final version is much, much shorter and really entirely different. If you feel you've been unfairly excluded from the paper mailing list, let me know and I'll be happy to add you.

(An alternate, crappier version of the photo we used in the real letter.)

Dear Fobby Fans,

It has come to the attention of the editors of FOB: Family of Ben that some of you may not be following the monthly adventures of your favorite heroes: Mr. Fob, FoxyJ, S-Boogie, and Little Dude. In order to help you catch up, we’re providing the following synopses of the last twelve issues of FOB:

FOB #63 (Jan 07). The Fobs team up with veteran heroes Grandma and Grandpa to fight crime in Seattle. Meanwhile, FoxyJ fights a personal battle against the evil Dr. Hemorrhoid and wins, but only after a visit to the emergency room.

FOB #64 (Feb 07). Little Dude acquires a new superpower: standing up. He practices this new ability nonstop, particularly in the wee hours of the night while banging his crib against the wall.

FOB #65 (Mar 07). In a crossover with Team Thteed #78, the Fobs visit friends in Berkeley, where they find a new weakness at Crepes-A-Go-Go. The epic storyline then crosses over into Ohana Utah #69 when the Fobs go to Utah Valley in search of the extended Family of Ben.

FOB #66 (Apr 07). In “Job Search Part 1,” Foxy sets out on a quest to find a long lost ally, Employment Woman. Mr. Fob takes his turn in the ER when he is attacked by someone who appears to be the nefarious villain Heart Attack. As it turns out, it is only the not-quite-so-nefarious villain Stress-Induced Panic Attack.

FOB #67 (May 07). “Job Search” continues while Foxy defends another ally, Thesis Lad, against the evil Thesis Committee. Little Dude celebrates the first anniversary of his First Appearance (as seen previously in FOB #55).

FOB #68 (Jun 07). Foxy takes a brief break from the search for Employment Woman to make another trip, along with S-Boogie and Little Dude, to Utah. In his civilian identity, Mr. Fob starts the Avocado for President campaign.

FOB #69 (Jul 07). Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

FOB #70 (Aug 07). In “Fobbing Around the World Part 1,” the Fobs take the Fobmobile to Utah, where Foxy receives her master’s degree in superheroism, then they board the Fobjet to fly to Hawaii.

FOB #71 (Sep 07). “Fobbing Around the World” and “Job Search” both conclude this issue. The Fobs return to the Fobcave with sand in their tights after witnessing the beach wedding of Mr. Fob’s brother in Oregon. Foxy finally finds Employment Woman teaching Spanish classes at a technical college outside of Seattle, and a new adventure begins as S-Boogie enters Professor ABC’s Training Academy for Young Superheroes.

FOB #72 (Oct 07). S-Boogie learns the hard way that superheroing is a dangerous job when she ends up in the emergency room with a split chin. She wows the doctors and nurses with her bravery and charisma.

FOB #73 (Nov 07). In an issue guest-starring Foxy’s sister, Skywoman, Foxy shows off her culinary superpowers with the most amazing Thanksgiving meal ever. Unfortunately, the next day she is caught off guard by the villainous Stairman, who puts her in the emergency room yet again, this time with a sprained ankle.

FOB #74 (Dec 07). Because they haven’t put enough miles on the Fobmobile this year, the Fobs travel again to Utah and then to Las Vegas. At the time of this writing, this issue is still in production, so the surprise ending has not yet been revealed. Will the Fobs make it safely home? Read to find out.

Conclusion blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Love,

The Fobs

My 2007 Report Card

I'll just come out and say it: 2007 was a shitty year. It's rare for me to admit such a thing, even to myself, because I tend to believe in the adage "All's well that ends well," and I tend to assume even in the midst of whatever's happening that it will eventually end well. But when I step back and objectively think about everything I've been through this year--emotionally, physically, and fiscally--and then add on top of that all the crap I've made my loved ones endure, I have to admit that as years go this one kind of sucked.

That said, this year really does look like it's going to end well. I'm at a happy place right now, at peace with myself as a husband, a father, a student, a writer, and a human being. Despite many setbacks throughout the year and the most recent news that FoxyJ will have to find a new job this quarter because her classes have been canceled, I think our family is doing well too. Foxy is a confident woman, I suspect even more aware now than she was a couple years ago of what she is capable of. S-Boogie loves preschool and seems to make friends everywhere she goes (and at the moment she wants me to write SUIIEL, which is apparently pronounced "cage-on"). Little Dude is bursting with cheer most of the time and communicates quite well with his two dozen signs and half-a-dozen words.

And through it all, I feel like I've done pretty well on the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. Which is why it's surprising to look objectively and see that I haven't. Here's the breakdown:

1. Cut down to 15% body fat. This is the one I'm most surprised by. I've worked out pretty consistently through the year and probably lost about ten pounds. I feel healthier and in better shape than I was a year ago. Nevertheless, the body fat scale I borrowed in January told me I was at 22%, and the body fat scale I bought with the gift card my dad sent last week has been telling me pretty consistently that I'm still at 22%. It may just be the difference in scales, so I'm going to go with my gut instinct and believe that I've made progress here, even if not all the way to 15%. I think I'll make this a goal again in 2008, except this time I'll have a better plan as to how I'm going to get there, taking into account not only exercise but also eating habits. And now that I own a scale I can better keep track of my progress.

2. Make five writing submissions, or one successful submission, whichever comes first. I haven't quite met this one, unless you count the fact that two of my pieces will be appearing in the forthcoming Fob Bible as a "successful submission." As excited as I am about this anthology of Fob literature, self-publication isn't quite what I had in mind. I did, just this very afternoon, finally submit my paper on lesbianism and homosexuality in the Library of Congress Subject Headings and Classification systems to a journal, as well as a query for my current novel to an agent. Cross your fingers for me!

3. Read at least twelve leisure books. Pshaw. I totally kicked this goal's butt. I think it's safe to say that I'm finally at a place where, despite all the reading I have to do for school, I've made enough of a habit of reading for fun that I don't need to make it a goal anymore. I've read two books just in the last three days.

4. Read the New Testament. Meh. Making the transition from reluctant Mormon to confused Christian to comfortable agnostic this year has sort of killed this goal. I read some at the beginning of the year with Foxy, then a bit more when I was attending the United Church of Christ, but then I lost interest. I have been reading a lot of Bible stories and poems written by my fellow fobs, though. I'm sure that counts for something.

So I guess that all adds up to about a C-. I'll do better next year. And of course there's still tomorrow left for 2007.

2008 goals to come.

Her Ex is Having Sex With Rex

I first learned of Jennifer Lee's memoir My Ex is Having Sex With Rex in a review on C.L. Hanson's blog. It sounded like an interesting book so I put it on my Amazon.com wishlist, but never got around to buying it until my brother got it for me this Christmas. It's a quick and entertaining read and provides an enlightening look at a mixed-orientation marriage and its aftermath from the perspective of a woman whose husband has left her for a man.

(As a side note, I always find it interesting when people talk about how the woman's perspective is generally ignored in the discussion of gay men marrying women, because the extent of what I've come across on the topic are books like this and Carol Lynn Pearson's Good-Bye, I Love You and Amity Buxton's The Other Side of the Closet, which are all about women who are divorced from gay men. Since the rise of the blogosphere I've seen a lot of married and divorced gay men blogging and a few lesbians here and there, but what I've seen very little of is straight women who are currently married to gay men, a lack I'm hoping to remedy a bit with the series of interviews I'm doing on Northern Lights.)

I admit to having a hard time, when reading this book and Pearson's, of taking these accounts of another person's experience as just that--another person's experience. It's too easy for me to read about Lee and her ex-husband and say, "Oh, that's just like FoxyJ and me" or "That's nothing like our relationship." It's too easy to look at others' experiences and see them as omens of things to come, to see the pain these women have felt as pain I will inevitably cause the woman I love.

At the same time, I'm bothered by statements Lee makes like "Bottom line: There's no hope of having a committed, connected, love-at-the-very-core-of-your-being marriage between a straight woman and a gay man." Really? Really? Have you based that statement on researched scientific data? I will never argue with Lee or anyone else who has come to that conclusion about her own marriage. I would not even argue with anyone who came to that conclusion about a potential marriage she chose not to enter upon learning her fiance was gay. But I have a hard time accepting such blanket statements made regarding all straight-gay marriages. This is not a matter of me defending my personal experience; I would have and did say the same thing when Foxy and I were separated with the intention of divorcing.

That said, I enjoyed My Ex is Having Sex With Rex. It's the honest story of a woman who was thrown unknowingly into a really crappy situation and is now in the midst of making the best of it. Quite admirably, she's concerned not only with making the best of it for herself but also for her children, her ex-husband, and everyone else involved. Even her conclusions about the impossibility of mixed-orientation marriages seem to be coming from her charitable attempt to view the end of her marriage and the pain it's caused her not as the result of her ex-husband's decision to leave but as an inevitable result of their situation. Ultimately Lee comes to a conclusion similar to one I came to this summer: it's not about whether she's happier now as a single woman than she was married to a gay man; she had a happy life as a married woman and she's made a happy life for herself now. In both situations there have been pain and joy. Lee's story is one of recognizing the past and possible futures for what they are and living in the present.

As for how it all applies to FoxyJ and me, well, that's for us to decide.

The Moral of the Story

(But I'll spare you the week-long story.)

Windows Vista will not connect your laptop to the Internet unless you have some kind of Norton anti-virus software installed. You don't even have to have an active subscription--you just have to have it installed or you will get nothing but that cursed Local Access Only message until you do. McAfee doesn't work; it must be Norton. There is no way around this. Not even plugging directly into the router or DSL modem with an ethernet cable will work.

This is assuming, of course, that the moral of my story can be generalized to all Vista-running laptop owners in the world. I assume that's a safe assumption.

My Favorite Lines From S-Boogie's New Books

From Snow by Uri Shulevitz, wherein a little boy hopes a few snowflakes are a sign of more to come:

"No snow," said radio.
"No snow," said television.
But snowflakes don't listen to radio,
snowflakes don't watch television.
All snowflakes know is snow, snow, snow.

From Pinkalicious by Victoria Kann & Elizabeth Kann, wherein a little girl eats too many pink cupcakes and wakes up pink, much to her parents' concern:

My hair was the color of raspberry sorbet. I cried because I was so beautiful. I even had PINK tears. I put on my pink fairy princess dress and twirled in front of the mirror, while Mommy speed-dialed the pediatrician.

I love love love the image of a four-year-old girl crying because she's so beautiful. If you don't read picture books, you really should.

Christmas Bounty

I will not lie to you; I love getting presents. I enjoy giving presents too, but mostly because I project how much I enjoy receiving them onto other people and so experience the joy of getting vicariously. When I was a kid I would take a picture each year of me with all the presents I'd gotten. I'll spare you the photo because we left our camera cord in Utah, but I'll make up for it with a thousand words listing my loot, all under the guise of public gratitude:

• Thanks to my sisters, who got me and FoxyJ a gift certificate to a Peruvian restaurant in Orem and provided babysitting so we could enjoy the meal. You can never go wrong with food or free babysitting.
• Thanks to my mom, who got me a Hawaiian Christmas CD by the Brothers Cazimero. It's quickly become a comfort CD, taking me back to the years when we'd listen to my mom's Cazimero Christmas tape over and over and over.
• Thanks to my dad, who got us a very generous Wal-Mart gift card. We'll be braving the after-Christmas crowd tomorrow to use it. We still don't know what we'll get, but that's half the fun of a gift card--deciding what to spend it on.
• Thanks to my brother (I think, but I realized tonight after throwing all the packing slips away that I'm not entirely sure all three Amazon.com boxes were from him, or any of them for that matter), who got me a CD and several books from my wishlist. He also got me The Simpsons Movie, which was not on my wishlist, so I can't imagine how he guessed I'd want it--perhaps the fact that I own the first ten seasons on DVD tipped him off.
• Thanks to S-Boogie, who got me a Superman action figure. FoxyJ says she took S-Boogie to the action figure aisle and it was S-Boogie who found and chose which one to get. And this was before I decided to get a Superman figure for her. As it turns out, the Justice League Unlimited Superman figure S-Boogie chose is much more durable than the DC Direct collectible figure I chose, whose hands have both broken off already.
• Thanks to FoxyJ, who got me an alarm clock (because she has appropriated my old one for herself) and an iTunes gift card, which I've used to buy The Essential Michael Jackson. It's a great collection of all his hits from the Jackson 5 days through Invincible. The only song I think I'll have to buy individually is "Scream," which I've always liked despite the disturbing image of Janet Jackson peeing in a urinal in the music video.
• Thanks to everyone who got S-Boogie and Little Dude presents. It's been just as fun to see them enjoy new toys and clothes as it is for me to get presents myself.
  

I've realized this year that there are people who like to be surprised with gifts they didn't know they wanted and people who know what they want, and for the most part I am in the latter category. Not that I don't enjoy getting unexpected gifts; I absolutely love that FoxyJ thought to take S-Boogie down the action figure aisle to find a present for me, and that S-Boogie chose Superman. Seriously, do I not have the coolest wife and daughter in the world? But it is always very exciting for me to get books and CDs and DVDs from my Amazon.com wishlist, and equally exciting to receive gift cards. I spent an hour or two this afternoon deciding what to get with the iTunes card and hardly noticed the time pass because I was having so much fun. This likely says unflattering things about my personality, but oh well. I'm happy.

Merry Christmas to all! What was your favorite present this year?

A Few of My Favorite Things (Besides Avocado)

• Cheese balls
• Storms
• Chocolate fudge brownie ice cream
• Cheese Whiz
• Dharma & Greg
• Peanut butter
• String cheese
• Wyclef Jean's new album
• Satay
• Cheesecake
• The smell of my children
• Fudge
  
• Pepper jack cheese
  
• Brown paper packages tied up with strings
• Food
  
• Cheese