Sunday, June 29, 2008

Do All You Can

The following letter is to be read by local leaders to their Fob congregations today, Sunday, June 29, 2008:

Dear Friends of Ben,

It has come to our attention that throughout the United States activists are fighting to corrupt traditional marriage and in doing so attacking the very fabric of our society. Today we ask you to do all you can to fight back, to ensure that the only legitimate definition of marriage is our definition, because it is a well-known fact that two different definitions of the same thing cannot coexist in the same country, or the entire universe will implode. It is for this reason that we ask you to set aside your ability to think for yourselves so you can campaign for the following political cause that we decree as just and holy.

As you know, in the recent past activist judges have legitimized so-called same-haircolor "marriages." This is unacceptable. The Book of Ben chapter 3 verse 19 clearly states that "he who lieth with another of the same hair color in the way that a dark-haired man lieth with a light-haired woman has sinned, and must be stoned to death." Now modern-day fobby scripture has revealed to us that the Book of Ben chapters 1 through 10 are no longer the Word of Ben, which is why we no longer stone sinners to death (well, mostly just because it's illegal, but we're working on that; see next week's official letter to be read in Fob congregations), but we know that the first part of that verse is still true. We know this because we have an icky feeling inside whenever we see dark-haired people kissing other dark-haired people. (Light-haired people kissing light-haired people, on the other hand, kind of turns us on--being dark-haired people ourselves, and thus righteously attracted to light-haired people--but we know this is very very very wicked and must be condemned publicly.)

Furthermore, we know that children deserve to be raised by one dark-haired parent and one light-haired parent. This is the way Ben intended it to be, and we know that because that's how it was on Leave it to Beaver. Children raised by two dark-haired parents or two light-haired parents will grow up to be either serial killers or cross-dressers, and really is there much difference between the two? Yes, we know that scientific research does not support this theory, but that's just because all scientists are pro-same-haircolor activists. Whatever you do, don't listen to them.

Now, some people have a problem with constitutional amendments that define marriage as between a dark-haired person and a light-haired person because these amendments are based on doctrines of the Fob religion, which apparently not every person in America believes in (yet). To these people we say Poo on you. Nah nah nah nah nah nah, we're not listening. Perhaps the founding fathers of our great nation (and the founding fathers of each state thereof) neglected to mention in their constitution(s) that marriage should only be between a dark-haired person and a light-haired person, but this was clearly an oversight. They didn't mention it not because they didn't intend it, but because they forgot to. We know this because we've rewritten history so that all founding fathers were believing Fobs, or would have been if they'd had a chance. We're giving them that chance now, by rewriting our nation's constitutions.

To our friends who have already slipped through the cracks of our country's legal system and have "married" people of the same haircolor and started "families" before we could make such an act unconstitutional, rest assured that this is all for your own good. Your "marriages" aren't real marriages and your "families" aren't real families anyway. If you had legal rights to your children, you would only use them to encourage them to be serial killers or cross-dressers (or both) anyway. You don't really want that, do you? Don't answer that. We don't want to know.

To our fellow Fobs who are same-haircolor-attracted but don't act on it, please know that we love you and think about you a lot--at least every time we have to fight for another constitutional amendment ensuring that you never ever marry each other. We know that you must live lonely lives while in this mortal existence, especially now that we've told you that you should no longer ignore your desires and marry an opposite-haircolored person, lest that marriage fail and you blame us for it (sorry to those of you who got married before we changed our mind on this one). So long as you never ever ever ever so much as think about kissing someone of your same haircolor, let alone "marrying" them, you'll live a tolerable life here, and we're pretty sure you'll be happy after you die. If you fail, you will be miserable for all eternity, but rest assured that Ben loves you anyway.

Signed with love and righteous affection,

Mr. Fob


Christian said...

How does one comment on such brilliance. As directed, it will be read. And I will allow Dec to dye his hair again so that he is one of the light-haired ones, thereby validating our relationship.

B.G. Christensen said...

So you're questioning the eternal nature of haircolor? I'll let it slide, only because I've done it myself. Which is not to say I'm above hypocrisy.

Yodame said...

Something much more detrimental to society is afoot. Something that would obliterate the sanctity of the man-woman marriage. More unholy than same sex/hair color marriages. Oh no, it's already begun, run! Here's the proof and you can't even make up stuff like this.
Berlin Wall

Hmmm... got me thinking, what object would I marry, not that I'm looking but one can window shop a bit. Maybe the Washington Monument, tall and handsome,and it looks like it would be hot in the sack. Or what about the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's so old and about to fall over anyway.

Well, if this is real, the Fob congregation might need some guidance on this issue too. I do feel this signals the end is nigh (and I need time to change my hair color).

Scot said...

edgy: "And I will allow Dec to dye his hair again so that he is one of the light-haired ones, thereby validating our relationship."

A hair-change operation! Both you and Fob are abominable for even considering it.

"I'll let it slide" What!!?

I, having never altered my intended hair color, am way more righteous than you all. Love ya, though; even if you are rotting society with your "peroxide", and your "just for men". (On the other hand, when I married Rob, I was blond and my hair naturally changed to brown over the years... Now we're both brown. What does that mean? I'm packing my bags, just in case.)

John Gustav-Wrathall said...

Thank goodness I've married someone with not only a different hair color, but different skin color too!!!

Does that assure us an extra degree of exaltation in the Fob Heaven?

B.G. Christensen said...

Yodame: I'm not sure what to think of this, mainly because the article didn't say what color her hair is.

Scot: The safest course of action would be for you to shave your head to hide the evidence.

J G-W: You are clearly at the highest pinnacle of the highest degree of exaltation.

JB said...

So, painfully, true.

Rebecca said...

Spencer and I have been having an e-battle with my mom over this very issue (uh, yeah, the hair-color thing). I've been totally polite, which is totally against my nature, but I'm about to go stone her to death (she did, after all, marry someone with the same hair-color). Although Spencer and I wrote very long, well-thought-out (his more than mine) arguments, she absolutely won't budge even though she can't refute a single one of our points (the best she came up with was that James Dobson says most gay people have orgies - and how is that even pertinent? Does anyone have the right to know about her sex life? I'm going to start spreading rumors on the internet that she is involved in orgies. Same-hair-color ones). Anyway, this whole deal has proven that Spencer and I got our brains AND compassion from the other side of the family. I'm debating about sending her a link to this (brilliant) post. I know it won't do a damn thing though, so I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Spencer Ellsworth said...

I'd like to bear my testimony that I know this Fob is true, I love my mom and dad, and Radiohead is the best band ever.

Well done, sir.

B.G. Christensen said...

JB--You only say that because you're in a same-haircolor "marriage."

Rebecca--Yeah, I can't say I have hopes of this post convincing anyone of anything. More than anything it's me venting at the ridiculousness of it all.

Spencer--I heard your mom is involved in same-haircolor orgies.