Edgy Killer Bunny's post tonight resonates with the post that's been forming in my head for the past couple days. On Saturday when I was trying to grade papers and S-Boogie wanted attention and Foxy J needed to do homework and my sister wanted us to come over to help watch her daughter while she worked on a family photo project and as always the twin shadows of the approaching deadline for the Delacorte First Young Adult Novel contest and my crappy not-even-close-to-ready-to-enter-in-the-contest book hung over my head and really I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world, I realized something: I am trying to be too many people. I simply don't have the time to be a husband and father and brother and friend and librarian and teacher and writer (and blogger, if I'm honest). Well, I probably do have time to be all those things, but I don't have the time to be them well. I often feel lately like I'm doing a half-baked job of everything. And that's really frustrating, because I know I can be an excellent husband, father, librarian, etc., if I just put the effort into it.
The other problem is that if I fulfill all my roles that relate to other people (i.e. Foxy's husband, S-Boog's father, my students' teacher) I end up sacrificing the role that's just me for me. And, let's be honest--I'm not going to paint myself as some martyr here--I have never done that and I probably never will. A large part of the reason that I was so stressed to get things done this weekend is because I had wasted a lot of time downloading music and reading comic books and tracking down the latest rumors about Ms. Hill (yes, I managed to download music even while our internet was down; I am a determined time-waster).
At any rate, since I had this epiphany I've been trying to figure out what can go. In the first place, I don't want to give up any of my roles. On top of the fact that I don't want to give them up, all of my familial relationships carry with them a certain sense of responsibility and moral duty. I'm not about to give any of those up. Similarly, I don't teach or librarianate just for the hell of it--each of those pays for our roof and our food and S-Boogie's monthly bottle of Singulair (by the way, JB, yes, Boogs has asthma). I suppose no one's paying me to be their friend (though now that I mention it, that is an idea), but I'm not going to give up that role either.
I'm this close (picture my fingers really close together) to concluding that the writer has to go. It certainly doesn't make me any money. Well, that isn't true. Dialogue gave me a nice little check. But I think that paid for the trip to California we took a month or two before I got the check. And I haven't written anything worthwhile in a few months. I have a pretty decent rough draft of a novel I plan to submit to Deseret Book one of these days, but before I do that I'll need to revise it. And before I revise it I'll have to finish revising the other book I want to submit to Delacorte. And, even assuming that doing a good job of revising is within my capabilities (and I have yet to prove that), I can't do any serious revising until after I'm done husbanding and fathering and brothering and friending and teaching and librarianating. And let's not forget that important task of chasing down L-Boogie rumors.
Alas, I don't think I can give up writing. Even if I do a crappy job of it, it's one thing I do for me and we've already established that I'm too selfish to give up any of those things.
And, apparently, blogging counts as writing.
Blogging absolutely counts as writing!
ReplyDeleteFL feels time challenged too (I'm sure he'll comment on that himself)
I feel it too. These days, you aren't normal if you feel like you have time on your hands and aren't stretched to your max! It's hard to be everything to everyone all the time and do it well. Someone or something gets jipped. Usually it's the ME part (for us all, or should I say, for most of us?). We let ourselves get lost because we feel such a strong responsibility to be the other peoples... thing.
(you are not lone my friend)
You're being silly. No one who is a true writer can give up writing. It's a bit like ethnicity...you can deny it as long as you like, but your mind will always be writing copy.
ReplyDeleteRemember that most of the genius of this world has come from people who are pressed for time. No pressure.
Personally, I rather enjoy your writing, so I hope you don't give it up. And I hope you are able to, if not this year, submit to Delacorte.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree that we all take on, often not by choice, too many roles. And we want to do them all perfectly. Lately, I have decided (well, it wasn't really a conscious choice) to give up the Immaculately Clean Apartment Edgy.
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ReplyDeleteI won't let you give up. Too many of my so-called friends have grown up and decided to be responsible adults already. I couldn't handle it if you took that path as well.
Besides. It's only a matter of first blood. I have no doubt that you will be a YA champ if only they let you in the door.
(Also, once one fob achieves that goal, I think we can assume that a coattail strategy will save us all.)
I'm with th. Right there on your coattails.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hereby volunteer to pay you to be my friend.
It would be really sad if you gave up writing. Especially on your blog, where I can read it.
ReplyDeleteI hope all of you (Master Fobs) hang in there, though you may have to take turns.
ReplyDelete