The editor of Dialogue has just informed me that my two essays, as well as the two essays responding to my first one, are available online. They put it up in response to Ron Schow's request to post it on his website on resources for gay Mormons (whose link is not working today but it was working yesterday so presumably it will work again).
I should close this post with a clever line or a pithy word of wisdom, but I'm drawing a blank. Ideas?
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ReplyDeleteHow about: "And that's why I'm awesome"?
It always works for me.
jiqletem
"Those who live by the sword will die by the pen."
ReplyDelete(all sorts of appropriate symbolic imagery in that.
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ReplyDelete(Redoing earlier post now that I've read the whole .pdf). Excellent writing on your part! I like what Raynes says about claiming your right to do difficult things; I've gotten so sick of everyone's opinions on how I ought to go about having a relationship. It's between me and that person, and that's all, and deep relationships always involve pain and sacrifice (as CS Lewis so eloquently puts it). Your writing is clearly honest, and I like that you share without waffling or seeking for approval.
ReplyDeleteSchow, on the other hand, seems to have an axe to grind. I couldn't find his 1994 survey online anywhere, but I'd be very interested to examine his methods; correlations are easy to show, but causation is much harder.
Interestingly, another acquaintance of mine has also
recently written articles on being gay and devoutly mormon. He also talks about the loneliness inherent in staying single and active in the church. (Our immediate family centricity doesn't help that a bit; plenty of other cultures have much more open circles of close friends and family).
I was struck by what you said about emotional closeness with men. As I've dealt with the issues I accumulated with my (rather ordinary, I imagine) parents, I've distanced myself from them. Yet, in the last year or two, I realized how much I emotionally value the few great fatherly leaders I've worked with over the years. It's a great experience to have a leader who knows where he's going, who earns respect by his own skills and who fairly balances expectations and care of his followers. It seems to me that everyone would benefit from having one or more such people in their lives, as well as the complimentary motherly figures, but they're hard to find regardless of any complications added by attraction.
Which leads me to the conflation of libido with emotional closeness and culture, which is a pet peeve of mine. In a historical fiction I once read, Alan Turing (the revered father of computing) timidly approaches a colleague about homosexuality after a highly technical conversation. As the author puts it, "it was rather complicated and involved penises." The colleague considers the offer and says he doesn't think that sounds appealing to him, after which the technical conversation resumes.
Whether or not such a conversation ever happened, I like the idea that people can choose to treat sexuality as a single attribute, rather than insisting that it be accompanied by an "appropriate" cultural context. Why shouldn't anyone be able to fit into elder's quorum if they enjoy elder's quorumy things, or hang out with well-dressed men with lisps if they're into textiles? Personally, I like classical music, dance, muscle cars, guns, action movies with lots of explosions as well as films with highly literary content. What does any of that have to do with what turns me on sexually?
Th.--I'm sure that's what my intended message often appears to be, but really I'm trying to avoid it.
ReplyDeleteA.A.--Do your initials stand for Alcoholics Anonymous or Angry Aardvarks?
Comment Deleted--Ha ha! I tricked you! Comments get emailed to me before they get deleted. I know all your secrets even though you tried to hide them from the world!
Lunkwill--Thanks for the comments. Th. also took issue with my stereotyping of straight men, but I decided to keep it in there (albeit toned down a bit) because I do often feel alienated by the stereotypes even if they're not entirely accurate. In my defense, I do acknowledge that I'm talking about stereotypes and not real people. I completely agree with you that preferences in entertainment, hobbies, and style of dress should have nothing to do with sexuality (in theory at least; I often catch myself either catering to or deliberately going against stereotypes, despite my ideals).
Yeah, totally. I wasn't accusing you of stereotyping, I was agreeing that it sucks how often cultures drag sexuality in to unrelated activities.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you've gone about things. That you felt inspired to get married and you love FoxyJ, but that you're not lying to yourself about your where your libido attractions lie and you're not trying (or expecting) to magically change. I have never heard someone argue for a case like this and you did it beautifully. Thank you for enlightening me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to say it best, but I have so much respect for you for choosing to get married to someone you love. For following the promptings of the spirit and doing what you feel is right, even if the odds are (according to Ron Schow) as bad as they are for heterosexual marriages. You and your wife are brave people, and I think you can make it work. Though I doubt you need re-assurance from me.
I appreciate these early responses to Ben's essay. I admired his candor and eloquence from the first time I read his initial essay. I also respect greatly Ben's calm, polite response to Ron and Marybeth. I think his opening essay and his response will stimulate a good deal of interest among thoughtful Latter-day Saints. I'm glad Dialogue, which I edit, can be the vehicle for putting the four related essays before them. The role of the journal Dialogue is to live up to its namesake, civilized debate among good-willed persons of differing points of view.
ReplyDeleteLevi Peterson
FOB,
ReplyDeleteThanks for that article. Your grounded optimism is contagious.
As I was reading the responses I started wondering if I may be "bisexual," so I loved your response about accepting your gayness is hard enough without trying to figure out if you're bi now...
Anyways, sounds like you and your wife have something pretty sweet and having a little half-you, half-her daughter probably makes the difficult parts worth it.
Luck