The Fobcave

The Break Up

2010-04-21T20:11:00.004-06:00

Dear Blog,

I think it's time for us to face reality. We've hardly seen each other in months, and to be honest, I haven't missed you. Yes, we've had a lot of good times over the past few years, but I'm at a different point in my life now. I've moved on, and I think it's time for you to move on too.

Before you jump to conclusions, no, there isn't someone else. I won't lie to you--I've been on a few dates with Facebook and have flirted off and on with Goodreads (well, actually, Goodreads has done most of the flirting). I've checked out Twitter and Google Buzz from afar, but I don't see anything serious happening with either. I just don't want to be in any serious online social networking relationship right now.

Really, it's not you, it's me.

So it's time to end our relationship. You go your way, I'll go mine. I imagine our mutual friends will all decide for themselves whether to continue being my friend, your friend, or both. I just hope that you and I can continue to be friends, or at the very least be civil when we run into each other at parties and reunions. I bear you no ill will, and I hope you feel the same.

So goodbye, my dear Blog. Thank you for nearly five years of memories. I assure you, whenever I read a book or do something mundane with my kids or have a superficially profound thought and wonder, "How will I blog about this?," I'll remember you.

With love,

Mr. Fob

I Only Posted Twice in November

2009-12-01T20:03:00.002-07:00

Take that, NaBloPoMo!

And I didn't write any novels, either.

But I did write a chapter about intersex classification for an anthology on LGBTIQ library service. And I read several great books. And FoxyJ and I celebrated our eighth anniversary. All in all, it was a good month. I just didn't tell you about it. But rest assured, I love you anyway.

The New Twenty

2009-11-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

Upholding the family tradition of displaying the birthday bounty for the camera.

As of 5:43 this evening (Hawaii Standard Time), I am thirty years old. So why am I still smiling? Because I realized today that I simply needed to adjust my standard. See, I was a little worried about turning thirty because my entire life I've heard from old people who wish they could have stopped aging at 29, so I was under the impression that 29 is the pinnacle of human perfection, and then it's all downhill from there. And perhaps that was once the case, but things have changed. This is the twenty-first century. This is not your father's Oldsmobile. Don't believe me? I present as evidence examples from the two most important measuring sticks of American culture: hip-hop music and superhero comics.

In the song "30 Something," rapper Jay-Z declared that "30's the new 20, nigga." And who can argue? Ten years ago, hip-hop was a young man's* game, and today we have people like Jay-Z, Wyclef Jean, Common, the Wu Tang Clan, who are all pushing forty, still putting out albums and being pretty successful. If these old men are still cool, then clearly I am too.
For a good forty or fifty years, Batman and Superman were both generally considered to be 29 years old--the aforementioned pinnacle of human perfection. But by the time I started reading superhero comics in the nineties, that age had been pushed up to 33. Batman's young ward, Robin, was by then in his early twenties, so it simply didn't make sense for his surrogate father to still be 29. In current comics, these brightly-clad ideals of manhood seem to be in their mid-to-late thirties. A product of ever-growing backstories that need to fit in chronologically, but also an acknowledgment that the readership is aging. A couple decades ago, the prevailing logic was that comic book readers wouldn't want to read about protagonists old enough to be their fathers, but the fact now is that most comic book readers are in their twenties and thirties, so it's a non-issue. Finally these men can age. By the time I catch up to Batman and Superman, they'll be at least forty. And if they can still look good in tights, then by golly, so can I!

In conclusion, I may be thirty, but I am still younger than Batman and Jay-Z. Any questions?

*No, I'm not ignoring women, just acknowledging that hip-hop for the most part does.

Another take on Jonathan Langford's No Going Back

2009-11-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

FoxyJ posted her review on Northern Lights.

(See my review here and a bunch of other reviews linked here.)

Stay flu-free with Sinus Rinse™!

2009-10-31T08:59:00.000-06:00

(Because Nose Enema™ and Nasal Douche™ didn't test well with the focus groups.)

The Trick to Having a Happy Halloween...

2009-10-30T20:29:00.000-06:00

...is to paint a smile on your face.

But beware! If your wife wears an x-ray shirt, revealing that your baby is proportioned like a monkey...

...it might make you cry. And if you cry, your makeup will run.

I hope you have a non-traumatic Halloween!

Fob Bible Updates

2009-10-27T20:08:00.001-06:00

I just learned that the Fob Bible is now available as a PDF for only $5.99. You can buy it here. (Note: This is the complete book, as opposed to the PDF sampler that is available for free.)

Also, thanks to Theric for pointing out to me that we got a positive review on Feminist Mormon Housewives, as well as another positive review that the reviewer linked to in the comments on FMH. As we were putting this book together, we were worried that it would be too... eccentric for some tastes, and surely it is for some, but it's great to see that a lot of people really get what we're doing, and like it. And thank you to Chanson for plugging us on Main Street Plaza a couple times now. I (heart) good reviews!

Mayhem of the Music Meister

2009-10-27T19:35:00.001-06:00

Have you ever wondered what kind of Batman villain Doogie Howser would be? Wonder no more.

This is without a doubt the funniest, most entertaining animated Batman musical I have ever seen. And I'd say that even if I'd ever seen any other animated Batman musicals. Even if you're not a cartoon person or a superhero person, you really should take 20 minutes to watch this (click on the picture below to watch the episode).

Also, you can buy the soundtrack.

Coming Soon to an eBay Listing Near You

2009-10-25T14:29:00.001-06:00

Don't you hate it when you're wearing pants or a skirt without pockets, and you have nowhere to put your things? Do you spend the winter rubbing your hands together because you have no pockets to put them in? Fret no more! Behold, the FobPocketBelt™:

Just slip this baby on over your clothes, and you'll forget you ever didn't have pockets. The adjustable drawstring makes this the ideal accessory for any body shape or size. Act now, and we'll include not just two side pockets, but also a handy butt pocket, complete with fashion tail:

The FobPocketBelt™ is a must have accessory for the practical- and fashion-minded of any age. But that's not all! Are you looking to inject a little zing into your love life? Look no further! The FobPocketBelt™ also doubles as sexy lingerie:

Act now while supplies last!

I can bake, too

2009-10-24T21:15:00.000-06:00

They like us, they really like us!

2009-10-14T20:27:00.000-06:00

Thank you to Katya for letting me know about this very nice review of the Fob Bible. And of course, thanks to Dallas Robbins for writing it.

The Advantage of Modern Technology

2009-10-12T19:16:00.001-06:00

(Picture taken with my brand new webcam. The advantage of having a web-based job is that I feel justified in spending money on new ~~toys~~ essential tools.)

Signs of the Last Days

2009-10-01T21:46:00.000-06:00

This is my 900th post. One month from Saturday I will turn 30. Yesterday FoxyJ told me that she thinks my hair is thinning on top.

It's all downhill from here.

Post 899, In Which I Do Not Blaspheme

2009-09-30T22:18:00.000-06:00

Today was International Blasphemy Day. The purpose of the day is "to remind the world that religion should never again be beyond open and honest discussion." I support the principle behind the occasion--it is important to protect the right of free speech that has so often been denied by religious authorities with more power than they should have had, and it is equally important to remember that ideas are not immune to criticism simply because they are based in faith--but I have chosen not to participate. I have little respect for religion itself and not much more for most religious organizations, but I respect and love a lot of religious people. If I were to blaspheme publicly for the sake of blaspheming, I might succeed in making the statement the day is meant to make, but I would also likely offend many people I've no reason or desire to offend.

A couple of years ago a close friend of mine observed that I "care about people more than ideologies or institutions"; as this came from someone whose opinion I value very highly, I was quite flattered by her observation. I don't know that it's always true--I often let my ideologies get in the way of my concern for people--but I certainly try to make it true. Ideals are important to me, but ultimately I believe the living, breathing human being standing in front of me is far more important than whatever ideology separates us.

That said, I believe it's for the good of the world that there are also people who are willing to offend, to be in-your-face and confrontational in order to make the rest of us question our ideologies. I simply am not one of these people and couldn't be if I tried; confrontation makes me physical sick, knowing that I've offended someone makes it impossible for me to think of anything but that offense for days or weeks thereafter. If everyone in the world were so weak-kneed, we might never have any wars, but we might also never effect meaningful change. I like to think there's room in this world for both warriors and peacemakers. If it doesn't offend you, I'll stick to being the latter of the two.

A Solemn Occasion

2009-09-29T20:02:00.000-06:00

This evening FoxyJ brought my attention to the fact that 2009 marks the 75th anniversary of a very important event that forever changed the world: the invention of briefs. As you can read about in this press release (with informational video!), in 1934, the underwear company that would later become Jockey created a new style of men's underwear, inspired by French bathing suits, and then there was no turning back. We here at the Fobcave salute you, Jockey, for your outstanding contribution to humanity--especially the manity part of it.

No Going Back

2009-09-19T21:59:00.000-06:00

No Going Back by Jonathan Langford was a hard book for me to read. It brought me back all too vividly to my life as a teenage gay Mormon, being torn apart by my religion on one side and my sexual orientation on the other, and all the unpleasantness that entailed. Fifteen-going-on-sixteen-year-old Paul's story is hardly an exact replica of mine--Paul's is much more interesting--but he and teenage me have enough in common that immersing myself in his world was very much like taking a trip back to my youth. I haven't felt so angsty in a long time. Despite that discomfort, or more likely because of it, I found myself not wanting to put the book down. I flew through a year and a half of young Paul's life in less than three days, and would have done so quicker if not for distractions like work and sleep.

I was a little hesitant going into No Going Back because I knew it was written from an orthodox Mormon view of homosexuality--that homosexual feelings are not a sin but homosexual behavior is--and over the past several years I have come to have very strong objections to this point of view (the latter part, not the former). I was happy to find, though, that I don't mind reading fiction written from a perspective opposed to my own, so long as the author doesn't warp his presentation of reality in order to support that viewpoint. Langford's novel is, as a blurb on the back states, a "thoroughly orthodox" Mormon novel in that the main characters remain loyal to orthodox Mormon doctrine, but he places them in a world that rings true to the world I see, where other characters are just as loyal to other beliefs (including several who fall closer to my own), and none of them are portrayed two-dimensionally. Just about every character, from the protagonist to his straight best friend to his mom and the bishop and the members of the high school gay-straight alliance, breathes with the life only an author's love can infuse. I certainly don't get the sense that Langford thinks any less of his non-Mormon characters than his Mormon ones. If anyone is portrayed unsympathetically, it's the members of Paul's priests' quorum who ridicule him for being a "faggot."

An English professor of mine liked to talk about good novels being both a mirror and a window (and I'm sure he got this concept from someone else, but I don't feel like looking it up). As a former gay Mormon teenager, I can safely say that this book does a good job of providing me a mirror--perhaps too well. An added strength of the book, though, is that it does not spend all its time in Paul's head. Much of the narration is devoted to Paul's best friend, his mother, his bishop, and several other characters. I enjoyed the windows this provided me into what it might be like to be a gay kid's straight friend, or to be a gay kid's mother, and so on. And lest we think the world revolves around angsty gay teenagers, each of these characters is developed beyond his or her role in relation to Paul, so we get equally enlightening glimpses into the lives of a woman going through a mid-life crisis, a man trying to balance his various roles, a kid struggling in school. This is what good novels do--they help us better understand ourselves and others.

Every now and then I read something that reflects a part of me so accurately that I want to tell everyone I care about, "Here, read this! You will understand this part of me in ways I'm incapable of making you understand." I had that experience with Alan Rex Mitchell's Angel of the Danube, a novel I read shortly after serving an LDS mission in Europe, when all other portrayals of LDS missionary life I saw were so different from what I'd known. I had the same experience when reading the antepenultimate chapter of Robert Mayer's Superfolks, at a time when I knew few would understand, when I hardly understood my reasons for returning to a heterosexual marriage when there were untapped universes of homosexual relationships to explore. No Going Back doesn't reflect my life as it is now, but it reflects a part of my life--and based on my emotional reaction, a part I still haven't fully recovered from--in such a way that makes me want to shove it in front of everyone I know and insist they read it. I won't actually do that (I've never been very good at proselytizing), but I will say that I think the book is worth your time.

Coming Soon to a Library Near You

2009-09-16T20:18:00.001-06:00

(Assuming you live in Orem, that is.)

Two Sins in One Post

2009-09-14T19:22:00.000-06:00

I know this is both (1) tasteless and, even worse, (2) obvious, but I can't not say it:

Do you think he'll come back and use Whoopi Goldberg's body to make out with Demi Moore?

Just keep your eyes on the final hour

2009-09-09T10:09:00.000-06:00

It's 9/9/09. And 9:09 am!

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of those days...

2009-09-01T13:05:00.000-06:00

You know, when you can't find your Flash bookmark so you have to use your Wonder Woman bookmark even though it's a Flash book? Yeah, one of those.

Will Smith

2009-08-27T16:40:00.000-06:00

His music is fun, in a mindless kind of way, but he sure spends a lot of time explaining why he is cool despite the fact that more hardcore rappers always say he's not. I think he might have a complex.

Those Fascinating Mormon Women

2009-08-16T03:35:00.000-06:00

Yesterday FoxyJ and I attended the Sunstone Symposium. We'd been to Sunstone Seattle before and this past year Foxy attended the California version, but this was our first time at the big one in Salt Lake. My primary reason for going was to meet people, and I wasn't disappointed--Foxy, Green Mormon Architect, and I had a delightful lunch with C.L. Hanson, and I also got to meet a couple of Zelophehad's Daughters, Kaimi from Times & Seasons, and feminist blogger Holly. (Some of you may know that Holly and I have an... interesting history, so it was nice to meet her in person, and to see that she's a complete human being and not just this ominous online presence I've interacted with occasionally over the past few years.) As an added bonus, I really enjoyed all the sessions I attended. Foxy and I caught the tail-end of a presentation on polygamy, and then I went to sessions on the Book of Mormon's 19th-century context, gay Mormon literature (with a comprehensive bibliography, if anyone's interested), two films about religion and sexuality, and finally a panel on feminist and/or Mormon perspectives of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series.

The Twilight panel ended up being my favorite. I attended not because I've read the books or seen the movie--I haven't--but because my curiosity was piqued when I read my friend Theric's paper about the novels that he presented at Sunstone California, because I'd heard that panelist Maxine Hanks had an interesting take on the series, and because I was curious to hear what panelist Holly Welker had to say about the whole thing. I was not disappointed in any respect. The panel consisted of four feminist women and one man (who may or may not consider himself a feminist, I don't know) with very different takes on Meyer's works. This resulted in a very lively discussion and some great facial expressions from the panelists as they listened to their fellow panelists' differing opinions. All in all, the panel was an excellent reminder that feminism is not a single dogma but rather a wide range of perspectives and ways of interpreting the world.

Holly's portion of the panel is the one that has me up at 4am writing a blog post. She makes a very strong case against Twilight, pointing out with hilariously painful examples how the characters embody truly disturbing gender roles, and drawing comparisons between Meyer's works and Helen Andelin's handbook of submissive housewifery, Fascinating Womanhood. Holly's arguments about the series are based in pretty convincing examples, and they jibe with everything I've heard about the books, mostly from FoxyJ, who finds the character Bella utterly appalling. Maxine Hanks makes a compelling counterargument, that Meyer is portraying a wide range of gender roles and that Bella's powerlessness is just a step on the road to her empowerment, but not having read the books I can't say whether I agree with Maxine or Holly. But I will say that listening to Maxine's presentation is the only time I've ever seriously considered reading Twilight.

The place where Holly's presentation produced a disconnect for me was in her argument that Twilight is both a product of and representative of Mormon concepts of gender as a whole. The primary evidence she presents for this claim consists of (a) the fact that Meyer is a Mormon, (b) the fact that Helen Andelin is a Mormon and her book is popular among Mormons, and (c) the fact that Mormon women and girls love Twilight. This evidence doesn't cut it for me, though, because (a) Meyer is only one Mormon among millions; (b) Andelin is also only one Mormon and her book, though popular in the sixties, is mostly a joke now; and (c) um, hello, all kinds of women and girls (and men and boys) love Twilight. This is hardly a Mormon phenomenon.

I will acknowledge upfront that my experience with Mormondom is by necessity limited and my evidence anecdotal, but I doubt it's any more limited or anecdotal than Holly's--it just seems that we are each limited to very different anecdotes. But I have never known any Mormon woman or man under sixty who takes Fascinating Womanhood or the principles it teaches seriously. (Admittedly, I know one woman over sixty who said she found the book empowering in her own marriage, but in my experience she is definitely the exception.) I believe Holly would argue that whether or not the book is taken seriously, its hypertraditional gender roles are ingrained into Mormon consciousness; I would agree that to some degree and among some Mormons it certainly is, and to that extent I mourn along with Holly the damage such thinking does to women and men alike.

But here's where my limited experience comes in. For most of my adult life, my association with Mormons has been in college settings. This means that most of the Mormons I've known are educated, and though educated does not equal feminist, it definitely skews the population sample in that direction. For the past couple years since I stopped attending church, most of my interaction with Mormons is through FoxyJ, who tends to associate with women like those who can be found on Segullah, Exponent II, and Feminist Mormon Housewives. One of my closest friends is Melyngoch, a very feminist Mormon and sister to the above-mentioned Daughters of Zelophehad. Yesterday I had the pleasure of listening to several strong, intelligent, feminist Mormon women. Even my sisters, who are Mormon and I don't think would necessarily consider themselves feminists, are all strong, intelligent, empowered women. Those who are married have egalitarian relationships with their husbands and interact with them not through childish manipulation but through mature, two-way discussion. The one who's single is a successful, self-fulfilled woman. Among the hundreds of Mormons I know, I can think of only a handful who even remotely fit the mold of Fascinating Womanhood.

Holly argues--and I agree--that Fascinating Womanhood is really about fascinating girlhood, that it promotes the infantilization of women. If Twilight reflects this, it's because it's a girls' fantasy novel about a teenage girl. Girls like it because that's the point in life where they're at, and women enjoy it for the same reason grown men enjoy sports, video games, and comic books--it's a fantasy of immortal girlhood. I don't see that as evidence that these women (or at least the majority of them) actually buy into this depiction of gender as an ideal for adults to follow. This is escapist fiction; sometimes being a responsible adult gets old, and it's nice to fantasize about being swept away by a strong man so beautiful he sparkles, whether or not this would be a good idea in real life.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I completely disagree with Holly. Truly disturbing concepts of gender do exist within Mormon culture and doctrine--if nothing else, the fact that online classes teaching the principles of Fascinating Womanhood are still taught is evidence of this. But I don't think it's as widespread or pervasive as Holly suggests, and I believe that to make such sweeping claims is a great disservice to the multitude of Mormon women (and men) who have long since moved beyond girlhood.

(And if you happen to read this, Holly, I hope you'll take it in the spirit of open discussion in which it's intended, and respond with your thoughts. If I've misunderstood or misrepresented your argument, please say so.)

NOTE: Holly does make some clarifications in the comments section below, so be sure to read her comment before basing your judgment of her argument on my analysis alone.

Blog Party! Now in English!

2009-08-05T23:16:00.001-06:00

Who: YOU!

What: Party!

When: Saturday, August 8th, 5:30pm!

Where: Here! (Comment or email for directions.)

Why: Chocolate fondue!

Blog Party Forever

2009-07-30T20:46:00.000-06:00

Mr. Fob and FoxyJ
are pleased to announce
the marriage of

THEIR NEW HOME
to
YOU,

child of Mr. and Mrs. Fobcave Reader.
This blessed union will be solemnized and consummated on

Saturday,
August 8th, 2009,
at
5:30pm
in
Orem, Utah.

RSVP to bgchristensen(at)gmail(dot)com for directions and to volunteer to bring a potluck item.

In lieu of a wedding gift, please consider donating to the
Equal Marriage Rights for Human-Real Estate Couples Fund.

Exmormon by C.L. Hanson

2009-07-24T20:55:00.000-06:00

Exmormon by C.L. Hanson captures the experience of losing one's faith and finding one's self in exchange. Through the eyes of seven narrators and a wide cast of supporting characters, Hanson takes her readers through the typical and not-so-typical processes of growing up in the Mormon church, leaving the church, and figuring out where to go from there. The novel is split into nine parts--each of which serves as a novella on its own--plus an interlude, the titles of which represent archetypal aspects of the Mormon experience, such as "Youth Conference," "Saturday's Warrior," "Brigham Young University," and "Temple Wedding." Together these parts make up a sort of parallel to the Mormon experience, highlighting the points of deviation from the norm as each of the characters weaves in and out of Mormondom.

Hanson provides a character guide to help keep all the various characters from the different storylines straight, and you may find yourself flipping back to the guide now and then since there are a number of characters to keep track of. The payoff for this work comes, though, about halfway through the novel, when the different characters and storylines begin to converge and cross over. It's exciting to see characters from earlier parts of the book show up again, and to catch up with them as if seeing an old friend after a few years have passed. When a main character from one story becomes a secondary character in another story (and vice versa), the reader has the advantage of seeing significance in little comments and exchanges that the characters themselves don't see. The enjoyment of this omniscient viewpoint becomes a part of the narration itself in the final novella, humorously narrated by Elohim, who watches in amusement as the stories of his less faithful children unfold, and in the process ties up the threads of various storylines for the reader.

The magical moment of the book for me was the point when one of the main characters, Lynn, comes to an epiphany and realizes she no longer believes in the church she was raised in:

With this thought, I began to feel light and excited. I caught myself running. I had a tremendous sensation of stepping out into the sunlight to see that there's a whole world out there after having lived my life in a tiny, dark cellar. I felt free. I was free of the weight of petty, pointless rules and of trying to fit myself into a worldview and culture that were too small and limited to hold me.

I doubt this experience is unique to Exmormons--I suspect many people going through a major shift of paradigm have a similar feeling of sudden weightlessness. But I believe this is something many Exmormons have experienced, and I know it rings true to my own experience. One of the many great things about fiction is this ability to recreate sensations that are at once familiar because one has been there and fresh because they are now seen through new eyes.

Exmormon is serialized online, accompanied by delightful illustrations, here. You can purchase a paper copy here or here. Also, watch for new print editions and a Kindle edition this fall.

A Conversation While Having a Picnic Yesterday

2009-07-21T08:26:00.000-06:00

FoxyJ: The bread on these sandwiches got kind of soggy.

S-Boogie: Your mom has soggy bread.

I take no responsibility.

A Great Team

2009-07-19T09:14:00.000-06:00

I have talked about FoxyJ's and my marriage many times (back when my label Throwaway post actually signified a departure from the norm), but FoxyJ's public expressions of her thoughts on the matter are fewer and farther between, so her post yesterday on Segullah is a special treat. Go, read, be inspired by Foxy's wisdom and greatness.

I Know Who The Half-Blood Prince Is:

2009-07-19T09:12:00.000-06:00

(spoiler alert)

It's your mom.

Doing Yardwork Makes Me Feel Manly

2009-07-11T12:12:00.001-06:00

And I say so with the assumption that were I a woman, doing yardwork would make me feel womanly. Female readers may confirm or deny.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

2009-07-10T22:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight as I was fiddling with my TV antenna, trying to get it in the perfect position to get the best reception, I had a brilliant idea: Body antennas.

Just think about it. The human body is like the best antenna there is. If you don't believe me, touch your TV antenna and see the difference. And what do we do with human bodies when we're done with them? We dump them in the ground. Why not put them to good use? I propose, therefore, that rather than letting dead bodies rot away in graveyards, we convert them into TV antennas.

Cable and satellite, your fifteen minutes of fame are done. Now begins the age of the body antenna.

When I'm home alone, I totally talk to myself.

2009-07-06T19:24:00.000-06:00

And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Gotta talk to someone.

A Very Useful Chart

2009-07-05T22:21:00.000-06:00

I became a Mariah Carey fan around the time of 1995's Daydream (specifically, with the first single, "Fantasy"). I followed her during the following years, even buying Rainbow when it came out during my mission (the mission rule was very vaguely that we were only to listen to music that uplifted us... isn't Mariah uplifiting?), but the disastrous Glitter and then the mediocre Charmbracelet happened to correspond with my conversion into a musical snob, at which time I decided I was too cool for popular artists like Mariah Carey. So until recently, I owned only her middle five albums. But then this past week, a few stars and planets aligned: (1) I had a few weeks' worth of Amazon.com gift certificates from work accrued, waiting for me to use them; (2) perhaps because I spent all week listening to Michael Jackson songs and tributes, I decided that I'm no longer too cool to enjoy pop music; and (3) I realized that there were several Mariah Carey songs I liked but didn't own. So I fixed that. First I bought her first three albums and MTV Unplugged EP, and then I figured what the hey, and bought the two most recent ones as well.

Having completed several hours of research now, I will share my findings with you.

As you can see, Mariah is on a relative upswing. We'll see if she keeps that up with her new album coming out this summer. Stay tuned in, and on the edge of your seats.

Probably Not

2009-07-03T10:30:00.000-06:00

I am physically incapable of typing the word "probable" without first typing "probably" and then backspacing the "y" away and replacing it with an "e." Which is unfortunate, because I have to type "probable" pretty frequently for my job.

By the way

2009-07-01T23:01:00.001-06:00

I'm missing the middle part of my background image. I think it's because my UW account expired. I'll fix that one of these days, once I feel like I'm not playing catch-up with the rest of my life.

Fob & Foxy Plus 3

2009-07-01T22:41:00.000-06:00

I don't think I've ever watched an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, but I find myself fascinated, along with the rest of America, with the recent(ish) announcement of their separation. In the first place, my heart goes out to both of them and to their kids, because I have an idea of what that's like (from both the parents' and childrens' perspectives). Secondly, it's got me thinking about when Foxy and I made a similar announcement (though to a much smaller audience) a couple years ago. I've also been thinking about our separation because over on A Motley Vision they've been discussing "Abraham's Purgatory," a short story of mine that is so strongly linked to that period of my life.

I'm not sure I have much to say beyond that, except that it's been on my mind, and I'm happy to still be married to FoxyJ, and I'm happy that she and I can own that decision as ours alone and not something anyone else told us to do. I also hope the best for Jon and Kate and their family, whether that means their separation becomes permanent or that they get back together or whatever, and I hope that when you talk abou them--if you care to--that you remember they're real people and deserve real compassion.

Strolling Down Main Street and Hoping Not to Get Hit By a Trolley

2009-06-26T12:09:00.000-06:00

The Queen of Outer Blogness, C. L. Hanson, has kindly offered me the opportunity to showcase the Fob Bible on Main Street Plaza. Being the egotistical fellow I am, the excerpt I chose to post is my own short story, "The Changing of the God."

Hey, why are you still here? Get over to MSP and read the story!

Today's Confessions

2009-06-25T18:14:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of sad about Michael Jackson dying.
I will totally buy the inevitable posthumous release, despite feeling like that's a betrayal to artistic integrity, since the only reason the album he's been working on hasn't been released yet is because he didn't think it was ready.
I will do the same whenever (Jah forbid) Lauryn Hill dies. Like Jacko, she's got to have a buttload of recordings being held back by her perfectionism.

It's Like Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need is a Knife

2009-06-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

Back when I was a faithful churchgoing person, my least favorite day of the year to go to church was Fathers' Day. Among other things, I've always been uncomfortable with the hypercodification of gender stereotypes that tends to go with talks about the importance of fathers.

So of course, now that I don't go to church anymore, one of the few days a year when I do go is Fathers' Day, because I figure if my daughter is singing (with the Primary) for me, I ought to be there to hear it. To be honest, the talks bother me less as I distance myself more from the church and become more comfortable in my own role as a parent and human being, but what really made it worth it today--apart from watching S-Boogie being adorable on stage--was the Snickers bar they gave to all the fathers at the end. If they gave out Snickers every week, I might consider reactivating myself.

(Note to my atheist friends: No doubt some faithful member of the church will now offer me a Snickers a week to attend church, so you should consider it your humanist duty to provide me with a counteroffer of, say, two Snickers a week not to go. Let the bidding begin.)

Even More Fob Bible Goodness

2009-06-19T21:02:00.000-06:00

Tyler Chadwick at A Motley Vision wrote a very nice review of the Fob Bible. A commenter noted that Tyler's review did a much better job of explaining what the Fob Bible is than anything she'd seen previously, so if any of you have been wondering what exactly is this thing Mr. Fob keeps trying to sell you, I'll let Tyler explain:

The Fob Bible, an anthology of stories, poems, closet drama, and email correspondence, positions itself within this general tradition of enhanced, altar-type, family Bibles, though with a significant revisionary difference: instead of constructing a new apparatus intended to direct our study of the scriptures in specific, predetermined ways or offering a new translation of a text that has already been translated repeatedly, the contributors to The Fob Bible have re-imagined well-worn Old Testament stories, revisiting Eden and its surrounds, the Deluge, the final moments of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham and Isaac’s ascent to Moriah’s pinnacle, the relationship between Isaac and Esau and Esau and Jacob, Joseph’s—then Moses’—journey into Egypt, Balaam’s bond with his ass, Samson, Solomon, Rehoboam, Naaman, Ezra, Job, Jeremiah, Daniel, and, of course, Jonah and the giant fish.

These postmodern visitations reshape each historically privileged narrative and narrative voice from the perspective of the less-privileged story, the unheard voice, offering new characters—or familiar characters recast in new molds—the opportunity to speak and, in the process, to influence the world “in exciting new ways.” For instance, Danny Nelson gives voice to Job’s wife, a woman unnamed in the canon whose scriptural screen time amounts to one line of dialogue and two obscure references, three slight appearances from which she is sometimes judged to be “bitter, angry, and wrong.” Yet, Nelson gives the woman a name, “Hadasa,” the whole cast of human emotions, and a book of her own, a space in which she (or Nelson’s version thereof) can flesh out her poignant account of Job’s tale, which is, in the end, their story and deserves to be told in her voice, too.

Tyler goes on to talk of the "revisionary proclivity" of the Fob Bible, attributing this to the fact that all the writers are Mormon, part of "a Christian religious heritage founded on a restorationist theology." Though I don't consider myself Mormon anymore, I like Tyler's take on this idea, and I'm happy to attribute any revisionary proclivities I might have to my Mormon heritage. It makes sense. But don't take my word for it; go read Tyler's review. As Theric points out in the comments, the review itself is a work of art, and we don't just say that because he says nice things about us. (But it doesn't hurt.)

I Like People

2009-06-19T20:35:00.000-06:00

I often get frustrated with people, either because of their stupidity or my own lack of social skills, and declare that I want nothing to do with the human race. This past week, though, I've felt rather fond of our little species. Following is a list of people for whose existence I have been grateful this past week (if you're not on the list, I think you should ask yourself, to paraphrase Janet Jackson, "What have you done for Ben lately?"):

FoxyJ, who has filled the role of Supermom superbly, both before, during, and after the move, despite the fatigue of being two months pregnant. When she and I do difficult things together, I'm reminded of what a good team we make.
S-Boogie and Little Dude, who remain lovable as ever, despite how frustrating they can be sometimes.
My sister L, who did the footwork of househunting for us so we could just get here and unload the truck into our nice new home.
My mother-in-law, Earth Sign Mama, who flew out to Davis, helped us pack, helped FoxyJ drive across Nevada, and helped us unpack here before flying back home on Monday.
The elders quorum in Davis, who helped us load a 16' truck in about 45 minutes.
The relief society in Davis, who helped us get our apartment cleaned a good hour and a half ahead of schedule.
My mom, two sisters, brother, brother-in-law, and my sister's boyfriend who I'd never met before, who all were ready to unload the truck as soon as we got here.
Green Mormon Architect and family, who stopped by to help while we were unpacking on Saturday.
Edgy and Dec (or is his blogonym now Flameman?), who would have helped, had I arrived two hours earlier, as I intended to.
My brother-in-law L, who showed up Monday morning to mow our overgrown lawn.
Tolkien Boy, Brozy, Samantha, and all the other friends and family we've seen and/or will see soon, reminding us of why we moved back to Utah.
My boss, who said a couple weeks ago, "Hey, I heard you were looking for a full-time job. Do you want to work full-time for us?"

Life is good. I'm kind of exhausted now because we've been going nonstop for a couple weeks, but I'm happy. I spent a good portion of the drive here grinning, and I don't think it was just because I was in the moving truck, with not a screaming child in earshot.

My Gambling Addiction OR How I Lost All the Money in My Wallet

2009-06-19T20:28:00.001-06:00

Last Friday night we stayed at a hotel in Winnemucca. I arrived first, so while I was waiting for Foxy and the kids, I wandered into the casino. I had a dollar in my wallet, and I've always been curious to try a slot machine, so I put the dollar into one. I pressed the button and... lo and behold, I was rewarded with two gold dollar tokens! I decided to be a smart gambler and quit while I was ahead. I had, after all, doubled the money in my wallet.

Then Saturday morning, as I was leaving, I was faced with the choice of turning in the two tokens for two dollars in real money, or trying to win something more worthy of turning in for real money. So I put the two tokens into a slot machine and... I lost.

After driving home from Winnemucca with no money in my wallet, I have learned my lesson: I will never gamble again. Unless, perhaps, I have two dollars in my wallet next time I'm in a hotel in Nevada. That way if I lose the first one I'll have a second to gamble with.

Observations Upon Listening to the Radio For the First Time in Years

2009-06-12T23:03:00.000-06:00

The Foxmobile has a CD player and an auxiliary outlet for plugging in MP3 players, so I never listen to the radio in the car. The moving truck, though, has no such extravagances, so today I listened to the radio for about five and a half hours. I observed the following:

The rotation on Sacramento's top twenty station starts over after about an hour and a half. Which, if you think about it, makes sense--that's about how long it takes to play twenty songs. Maybe a little longer with commercials.
Every third song on that station has Kanye West either rapping or singing on it. Now, Kanye West has made some music I enjoy (but of course I liked him before he was cool, because I'm way too cool to like things average people like), but he hasn't made much that I like in a couple albums. I'm especially not a fan of his singing--much as I give him props for experimenting with different musical styles. But still, he just can't sing. The autotune or whatever he uses to warp his voice doesn't make it any better (or maybe it does, but in that case his natural voice must be pretty horrible).
I was able to get Sacramento stations almost all the way to Reno. This surprised me, as I'd imagined I wouldn't get anything in the mountains.
After Reno, the selection slowly dies down. I listened to NPR for a while and wondered why I don't more often. When NPR went to a jazz show, which was nice sounding but not loud enough to keep me awake while driving, the best thing was a seventies rock station, which wasn't all that bad.
By the time I got to Winnemucca, the only available station was country. I considered just turning the radio off, but decided to bear with it. Country is actually kind of entertaining, in small doses. I particularly enjoyed a song about a widow who was accused by the Hartford Junior High School PTA of being a bad mother because she wears short skirts and drinks too much. She then tells the PTA off by pointing out that they're all hipocrites, and then the shocking twist at the end (spoiler warning) is that the woman is... the singer's mother. Shocking!

Stay tuned to find out what entertaining observations I have to make about the second half of my trip tomorrow!*

*DISCLAIMER: I probably won't make observations about the second half of my trip, unless I hear something really incredible on the radio. I'm stretching the limits of reader generosity to expect you all to read just this one post.

If we were better environmentalists,

2009-06-11T17:26:00.000-06:00

we wouldn't move so often.

It's a Girl!*

2009-06-05T12:34:00.001-06:00

*Gender based on Chinese gender chart and the personal preferences of the unborn child's parents. And c'mon, that line is definitely pink.

Wha-HUH?

2009-06-04T12:05:00.000-06:00

Seen on the interwebs this morning:

Drive Carefully

2009-06-01T09:36:00.000-06:00

Because the Fob Bible hits the streets today! Order your copy now. (By way of disclaimer, I haven't ordered my copy yet only because I'm moving next week and don't want to lose it in the mail.)

According to the official description, The Fob Bible is "The Old Testament re-imagined through poetry, verse, closet drama, e-mail, and short story." I would add that said re-imaginations strike just the right balance of thoughtful reverence and humorous irreverence toward the source material to please believer and non-believer alike. And that it's really good.

And anyone who can tell me the difference between poetry and verse wins bonus points. There's certainly enough variety of poetry and verse in the book to warrant two labels, but I'm just not clear on the distinction.

The Fourth Wall

2009-05-31T11:50:00.000-06:00

This week Foxy and I signed a lease to rent a home in Orem, close to Scera Park. Not an apartment, mind you, but an actual house, and for three hundred dollars cheaper than we're paying for our apartment in Davis. The plan is to rent for a year while we save up for a down payment, then buy something, ideally within the same elementary school boundaries, next summer. We're both excited to have four walls of our own--living in three-walled sitcom sets gets old after a while.

Fob Bible Release Party Recap

2009-05-30T00:51:00.000-06:00

Thanks to those of you who stopped by the party. To those of you who didn't make it, you can still relive the fun here. The highlights of the party were live readings of a few excerpts from the Fob Bible, which I'll happily repost for you here.

FoxyJ reading "Capitulation: Forbidden Squirming" by A. Arwen Taylor:

Me reading an excerpt from "The Changing of the God" by B.G. Christensen:

Eric reading "Them Bones Them Bones Gonna -- Walk Around (a bar song)" by Theric Jepson:

Lady Steed reading "Philistina" by Danny Nelson:

Me reading "Wings" by Sarah E. Jenkins (sorry, Sarah, I'm not a great poetry reader):

And finally, Eric reading the illustration captions as if they all go together in a long, nonsensical story:

Now that we've whetted your appetite, buy the book!

Ere you left your computer this evening...

2009-05-29T11:59:00.000-06:00

Did you think to stop by the Foblog after 6PM PDT to check in on our Fob Bible Release Party and say hi? (Click the link Foblog link to sign up for an email reminder.)

Also, don't forget to pre-order your copy of the Fob Bible!

Proof of My Inability to Learn From My Mistakes

2009-05-26T18:46:00.000-06:00

Summer 2000, Spain

September 2007, Hawaii

May 2009, California

A Tiny Little Victory

2009-05-26T11:22:00.000-06:00

The California High Court has ruled to uphold Proposition 8 (bad), but also to legally recognize the same-sex marriages that were performed before the ban (good). This decision comes as no surprise after the hearings and legal commentary thereafter, and of course I would rather the entire thing had been overturned, but it's a huge relief to me to know that the people I know (as well as the ones I don't) who were married last year don't have to fear losing their marriages. It's a small step forward, and there's simply no denying that come 2010 or 2012, California will take that final big leap toward equality. And it's also nice to know that by then it will be in the company of several other states.

Now if only Obama would make good on his promises to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell and DOMA, the nation as a whole could make those same little steps forward...

Fob Bible Goodness

2009-05-23T22:29:00.000-06:00

The Fob Bible will be released on June 1st and is now available to pre-order. Whether you order because you want to see Old Testament stories as envisioned by literary geniuses, because you don't want to feel guilty next month when I ask you what you think of it, or because you want to donate money to the LDS Humanitarian Fund, rest assured that you're making the world a better place for you, me, and poor kids in Africa.

To celebrate, we'll be throwing a release party this Friday, May 29th, at 6pm PDT. Can't make it to the Fobcave in Davis, CA? No problem. Pop into the Foblog sometime Friday evening, see what's going on via liveblogging, say hi via comment, and pour yourself a glass of sparkling cider to celebrate with us.

Cheers!

A QUOTIDIAN BOOK OF SCRIPTURE
CONTAINING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO,
THE JUICIEST PORTIONS OF THE
OLD TESTAMENT

—sans, for obvious reasons, Judges 19—

translated through means of memory and nightmare
out of the pre-translated tongues (being mainly English):
and with the former translations ignored,

or—in special cases—
dictated but not read,

by His Fobbiness’s
special command, in perpetuity,

worlds with very definite (and sometimes good-looking) ends,
albeit of a feminist bent in places,
with far too many references to behemoths and leviathans,
and thus, being indebted to the grace of your most gracious progenitrix,
published in the year of the FOB seven
(using the Jepsonian calendar for its ease of dates).

Fully Authorized Fob Version

The Haunting of Old McDonald

2009-05-20T22:39:00.000-06:00

Remember how in Big you know the fortune-telling robot machine is possessed by Satan because it works even when it's unplugged?

A couple years ago we got a toy tractor for our kids at a thrift store. There are buttons on the steering wheel that are intended to make animal noises and play music when you press them, but by the time we bought the toy, the sounds had been reduced to a drunken mutter. Happy to have less sound produced by our children's toys, we never looked into replacing the batteries or anything.

But then a couple months ago, after the tractor had been left out in the rain one too many times, it started making animal noises and music loud and clear, except not when you press the buttons--just whenever it feels like it. At first we found this amusing, but this morning at five o'clock when outside my bedroom window I heard

OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM, E-I-E-I-O,

louder than should be legal and over and over and over again, I was not so amused. After the ninth or tenth time and a good half hour of not being able to sleep, I stumbled out onto the patio with a screwdriver, took out the batteries, and then stumbled back into bed.

And without the batteries it didn't sing anymore, which I suppose means it's not possessed by Satan. But still, that wasn't very comforting at five o'clock this morning.

The Curious Narration of Benjamin Button

2009-05-10T23:44:00.000-06:00

How is it possible that the 80-year-old version of Brad Pitt narrates the story?

It's Fun to Stay at the EQCO! (You can hang out with all the boys)

2009-05-09T21:04:00.000-06:00

Last week a friend in the elders quorum presidency of FoxyJ's ward asked me if I'd like to come on the elders quorum campout this weekend. I hesitated because I wasn't sure if I'd feel awkward while they had their planned scripture study and testimony meeting, but I figured what the hey, these people are the only real live friends I have in Davis and they're fun guys. And despite the fact that this was only my third time in ten years, I really love camping. So I went and I had a lot of fun. We ate pulled beef sandwiches, s'mores, and pancakes ; stayed up until 2:30 talking about the relative virtues of socialism and capitalism, gay marriage, and fifth-dimensional vectors (or matrices or axes or something like that--I admit at that point I was out of my depth); and had a crazy scavenger hunt/water balloon fight this morning.

The discussion of gay marriage was surprisingly not awkward or uncomfortable. This was nice because a significant contributor to my discomfort during the first few months in Davis was that my only real-life social outlet was FoxyJ's ward and at the time they were all (or most) involved in the Prop 8 campaign, which led me to keep my distance rather than risk heated arguments with people I barely knew. I remember in particular noticing a Yes on 8 sign in the window of a member of the ward and assuming he was just another of those people who support the proposition because his prophet told him to, but hasn't given it any thought of his own. As I learned in our discussion last night, though, this guy had indeed read up on the issue, had a very keen sense of both sides of the argument, and was very aware of the flaws in the arguments popularly made by people on his side. Above all, I got from him a strong sense of empathy for everyone involved and an awareness that situations like this just plain suck. Ultimately I disagree with his position on Prop 8 (anyone who's been reading this blog for a while knows that), but I have a much greater respect for him as a person and I was glad for the chance to get to know him and the other guys as human beings rather than as the faceless pile of Mormons I tend to make of those I don't know well. I feel sad that we're leaving Davis now that I've begun to make more friends.

And as it turned out, there wasn't a whole lot of scripture study or testimony bearing--just enough to remind me that I've no desire to attend church, much as I like my friends who do.

Time Heals All Wounds and Scrubs All Unpleasant Memories

2009-05-09T20:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday as I got ready to leave for a campout.

FoxyJ: This will be one of the few times we've spent a night apart since we got married.

This afternoon after I got home.

FoxyJ: Oh. Duh. Remember how we were separated for three months a couple years ago?

That I Might Look Down Upon My Less Educated Readers

2009-05-05T09:25:00.000-06:00

I am now the proud owner of a bachelor's degree, two master's degrees, and a traffic school certificate of completion.

(Did you know that a red arrow means you should stop and wait for the light to turn green? Now I do.)

Lessons Learned on FoxyJ's Birthday

2009-05-03T11:48:00.000-06:00

1. When your body is not used to eating meat, having a beef and lamb gyro for lunch and then a pizza covered in every kind of pig part for dinner is not a good idea.

2. Costco's meat lovers' pizza has enough meat on it to produce the equivalent of a Hummer in greenhouse gases.

3. Even though you're buying two pizzas and there are three different kinds to choose from, it's okay to just get two of the one you know you like.

The Bad News

2009-04-22T17:08:00.000-06:00

The fine for traffic light violation is just about covered by the extra hours I worked this past month in order to save up money for the summer.

The Good News

2009-04-22T17:06:00.000-06:00

The fine for traffic light violation is just about covered by the extra hours I worked this past month in order to save up money for the summer.

Happy Earth Day!

2009-04-22T16:52:00.000-06:00

Celebrate by becoming a vegetarian!

If I were to start my own religion, I'd totally make one of the rules be that you should eat meat sparingly. Do you suppose many people would actually heed that counsel or would they blow it off in favor of flashier dietary restrictions on tobacco and alcohol? Hm. I wonder if anyone's ever tried something similar...

Good Idea/Bad Idea

2009-04-18T16:29:00.000-06:00

Good idea:

Pooh-shaped crackers.

Bad idea:

Pooh-flavored crackers.

Change I Can Believe In

2009-04-12T08:54:00.000-06:00

FoxyJ decided a few months ago that she's just not that into her PhD program. She enjoys the classes and does very well in them, but she just doesn't care about getting a PhD that much and a PhD program is the kind of thing you have to care about if you're going to commit all the time and effort required. More than anything, I think she's felt that at this point in her life she wants to focus on being a mom more than on being a student. As she worked through her feelings about school, I was resistant to the idea of her dropping out, mostly for stupid reasons, but also because I worried that she was giving up on something that mattered to her out of a sense of Mormony obligation to be a stay-at-home mom. She assured me this was not the case and I promised that I would support her in whatever she chose to do.

The growing certainty of Foxy leaving the PhD program meant we would need another source of income (she has a nice stipend), so a couple months ago I started looking for full-time employment. At a point where I had already been struggling with depression, this process proved enormously stressful. In the first place, the current economic climate is a horrible one to be looking for a job in--I've applied for several jobs, most of which I was more than qualified for, and not gotten a single interview. In the second place, I really enjoy my current job and am hesitant to give it up. It's only part-time but it pays very well, it allows me a lot of time at home with my family, and it requires very little creative energy, which is a big deal to me because writing is very important to me and I like having as much creative energy as possible for the few hours a week I have time to write. In the third place, the thought of moving to a new city for the third time in three years was a sickening thought. I'm tired of starting over from scratch.

Feeling overwhelmed by all of this, a couple weeks ago I asked Foxy if she wouldn't consider staying in school for just one more year so that we could remain in our current comfortable (for me) situation long enough at least to see what comes of the novel I'm currently revising in hopes of publishing and establishing something like a writing career. She didn't like this idea and I realized a couple days later that it's not fair to ask her to do something she doesn't want to for the sake of saving me from doing something I don't want to. And then I found a solution that makes both of us happy: Utah.

Neither Foxy or I am crazy about Utah as a place to live, but we have a lot of family and friends there and, having lived there for about ten years of each of our lives, it's familiar and comfortable. We'd been talking for a while about how we missed being close to family and maybe we'd be willing to live in Utah again to make that happen. Also, it's much cheaper to live in Utah than in California, which means I can keep my current job and either Foxy or I will just need to find something part-time to supplement that income--she's hoping to teach at UVU. There aren't a lot of full-time prospects in Utah right now because everyone has a hiring freeze, but sooner or later something will come up, perhaps at the library I worked at for three years and would love to go back to, and we'll settle into something more permanent. Above all, the thought of moving back to Utah doesn't make me want to curl into a ball and hide. As an added bonus, our daughter, who is tired of being jerked around and would have otherwise hated the idea of moving yet again, is excited about being closer to her cousins.

So to our Utah friends and family: We're excited to see you in June.

To our California friends: Sorry. We love you. We'll visit.

Plain and Precious Parts

2009-04-06T18:08:00.000-06:00

A year and a half in the making, the Fob Bible is nearly here. On June 1st, a collection of prose and poetry inspired by the Old Testament and written by members of the Friends of Ben writing group (and illustrated posthumously by Gustave Dore) will be available to purchase here. In the meantime, whet your appetite with selections we call "Plain and Precious Parts of the Fob Bible"--you can read it online here, download a free copy for your eReader here, or buy the Kindle edition for $0.99 here.

The stories, poetry, and drama in this anthology are written by some of the best writers I know, including fellow bloggers Theric, Tolkien Boy, Melyngoch, and editorgirl. The hard copy (once again, available June 1st) will feature three stories of mine: a slightly revised version of "Abraham's Purgatory"; "The Official History of the International Society for the Spiritual Attunement of the Friends of G.C. Benefield, Chapter 34," which serves as an introduction to the world of the five-book YA superhero fantasy series I'm currently working on; and "The Changing of the God," which features a conversation between Old Testament God and New Testament God. Of my three stories only "Abraham's Purgatory" is in the "Plain and Precious Parts" sampler, but you'll also see there a wonderful collection of pieces from my friends and fellow writers that explore Bible stories you may or may not be familiar with in creative and thought-provoking ways.

All proceeds from the sales of the Fob Bible will go to LDS Humanitarian Services, a charity whose Mormon heritage reflects that shared by most of Fob and whose humanitarian goals we are all happy to support, regardless of our current relation to the church.

A Year and a Half Later...

2009-03-25T23:31:00.000-06:00

The rough draft is complete. 144,659 words; 437 pages double-spaced.

This is not the first novel I've written, but it is the longest (twice as long as the previous record holder) and by far the most ambitious. It will also be the first one that I make publishable and therefore publish.

Now begins the heinous task of doing just that.

Kindle Thoughts

2009-03-22T22:01:00.000-06:00

Having played with it for a couple weeks now, I can say definitively that the Kindle 2 is pretty darn cool. As far as the reading experience itself goes, I much prefer holding a lightweight device with a paper-like screen and flipping pages with the push of a button to holding a real book and flipping manually.

The really cool thing about the Kindle, though, is the infrastructure they've built up around it. With wireless service included in the cost of the device, it's incredibly easy to browse the online store, buy books, and read them without dealing with the hassle of downloading first to my computer and then synching files to the device via USB cable. I especially love that everything has free samples--the first chapter of books or the first two weeks of a magazine subscription--so I can get a better idea of what I'm spending my money on.

There are only two things that are holding me back from using the Kindle exclusively for all my reading. The first is that I'm not in the habit of buying books--generally I borrow from the library, and if I'm going to buy a book it's either that I can't get it at the library or that I like it so much that I think I'd like to lend it to friends in the future. Owning an electronic copy of a book negates the possibility of lending unless I want to lend out the whole Kindle, but for books I can't get at the library the Kindle is a great option. As it happens, I currently have a job that frequently gives me Amazon.com gift certificates, so getting in the habit of buying books is more economically feasible than it has been at other points in my life.

The second thing holding me back is that a good deal of my reading time is devoted to comic books, which are not largely available in Kindle format and even if they were, its black-and-white and just-a-little-too-small screen make the Kindle less than ideal for the medium. If Amazon or someone else were to produce a similar device with a larger screen in full color, though, I would love to see the world of monthly comic book publishing go digital. I likes me my new comics every Wednesday, but who needs boxes and boxes of old comics cluttering their house? If they were digital I'd always have them available, without the clutter.

For the time being I mainly use my Kindle for reading the two magazines I've subscribed to: The New Yorker and Narrative. I enjoy The New Yorker primarily for its fiction and Narrative is actually an online literary journal I could read for free on the web, but it's worth the three bucks a month to be able to read short stories when I'm, for example, watching my kids play on the playground, whereas I would never ever sit down at the computer to read those stories because I spend all day at a computer and when I have non-work-related computer time it's for writing my own fiction, thank you very much. Considering that what I write is prose and until a few weeks ago all I was reading was comics, I think it's a very good thing that the Kindle has got me reading prose again. And fairly good stuff, at that, as literary writing goes.

One of the things that excites me most about the Kindle is that I can load my own documents onto it. This means that when writer friends send me their novels to read, I can do so on my couch instead of at the computer, and that when, for example, I finish my current book and want Edgy to read it, I can send it to him electronically, he can make comments on it on his Kindle, then send it back and I can read those comments on mine. Trees around the world rejoice.

Blogging from my Kindle

2009-03-18T21:45:00.000-06:00

The Kindke's web browsing feature is actually kind of slow and clunky and battery-consuming but I just think it's cool that I can.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

Even my Lucky Brand glasses are celebrating:

For the sake of your clean thoughts, I won't post the photo of my green underwear.

Wow.

2009-02-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

The utterly unexpected arrival of a very generous gift goes a long way toward redeeming an otherwise horrible day.

Thank you, Svoid.

I'm going to go play with my Kindle 2 now.

This Post Does Not Have A Picture Of Me In It

2009-02-22T16:22:00.001-07:00

That's all.

Because Every Good Portrait Should Be Obamiconned

2009-02-22T09:20:00.001-07:00

The New Me aka HRG Fob

2009-02-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Now with added happy pills!

A Deep Thought about Learning Empathy

2009-02-18T09:26:00.001-07:00

We usually park in one of two lots--a small lot that's close to our apartment, or a larger lot that's not so close. Whenever we pull up to the small lot and all the spaces are full, we feel bitter and angry. And then it occurred to me this morning: the other people who park there probably feel the same when they pull up and it's full because we're parked there.

So really you'd think that, knowing what it's like for us, they'd be a bit more courteous and just park elsewhere.

The Old Me, Obamiconized

2009-02-14T23:14:00.001-07:00

For Future Reference

2009-02-14T23:02:00.001-07:00

The old me:

Money-Saving Tip of the Day

2009-02-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

If you are filling out an online form to buy something and there's a space to enter a Promotional Code, take a second to do a Google search for "[name of company] promotional code." If you're lucky you will find a code listed on one of many coupon/code sites and when you enter that code you'll get $25 off the very expensive glasses you're buying because you don't like the ugly glasses your insurance could get you for free, and that just might make you feel a little better about your flagrant splurging. You may also want to remind yourself that the insurance wouldn't have paid for the deluxe anti-glare lenses that just may make it possible for you to keep your staring-at-the-computer-all-day job without going blind, and/or that the ugly frames the insurance wanted you to buy would not have lifted you up out of your depressive funk by creating a new you and thus solving all your problems like your cool-looking expensive frames will. So really, it was a good deal.

"If you don't mind being unhappy, then what happens to the unhappiness?"

2009-02-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

Eckhart Tolle has a few wacky ideas, but a lot of what he says makes a lot of sense.

Equality in Utah?

2009-02-10T12:49:00.001-07:00

During the Prop 8 campaign in California, the LDS Church emphasized that it was not "anti-gay" and that it "does not object to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights." In an effort to work together with the church in ensuring that same-sex couples in Utah have these rights, Equality Utah launched the Common Ground Initiative, a group of bills currently being discussed in Utah's 2009 legislative session. These bills do not seek to legalize same-sex marriage or anything like it; rather, they seek to ensure that all Utahns have the rights specifically named in the above quote from the LDS Church.

Whether you support same-sex unions or not, I would hope that you, like Equality Utah and the LDS Church, support legal protections that treat all people fairly and equally. If you live in Utah, I urge you to contact your representative and encourage him or her to support the Common Ground Initiative. You can find your representatives and their email addresses here, and this page includes sample messages that you can copy, paste, and personalize as you see fit.

You don't have to be a gay activist to support equal rights. If you live in Utah, please take a minute to do what you can.

Climate Change We Can Believe In

2009-01-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why liberals are so concerned with climate change. Aren't we supposed to be progressive? Isn't change a good thing? Pshaw. Predictable weather patterns are so last decade.

Inclusion

2009-01-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

In his acceptance speech on Election Day, Barack Obama specifically mentioned "gay and straight" Americans--I believe that was a first for a presidential acceptance speech. This morning in his inaugural address, President Obama said that Americans are made up of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, "and non-believers." Say what you want about political correctness, but as a gay agnostic, I appreciate being included.

The Not-So-Great Depression

2009-01-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

Symptoms of depression, according to the National Institute of Mental Health:

Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelings

Check.

Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Check.

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness

Check, check and/or check.

Irritability, restlessness

Double check.

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

Check.

Fatigue and decreased energy

I'm too tired to even check this one off.

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions

What now?

Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Off and on, yes, and yes (to the extent I can get away with it).

Overeating, or appetite loss

Yes to the former.

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

No, thankfully.

Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Yes, no, no and yes (but persistent aches and pains and digestive problems have been an accepted part of my ongoing existence for as long as I remember, so I can't say I've done much in the way of treatment in the recent past).

2008 Report Card

2009-01-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

The good thing about posting my yearly goals on my blog is that it helps me remember what they are and I feel a sense of accountability, as if all my hundreds and hundreds of loyal readers are anxiously awaiting to see how I do. The bad thing is that remembering is not the same as doing. Mostly what it means is that I spend much of the year feeling guilty because I'm not making much progress on my goals and thus am letting down all those hundreds and hundreds of loyal readers. With that in mind, here is what I did not do in 2008:

1. Drop body fat level down to 15%. I was doing pretty good with this for the first half of the year and seemed to be making progress. I worked out consistently and for a few months denied myself after-dinner treats, and the scale showed small but significant results. Then we spent a month and a half moving and then settled in here where I fell into a depressive slump where all I wanted to do was read comics and eat, and then the holidays arrived and by that point I just didn't care. When I checked my body fat on Thursday the scale said 22%, which is where I started the year. But today after lifting weights and jogging I checked again and it said 18.5%, so I'll go with that. And I just bought a membership at the UC Davis gym so before long that 18.5% will be more than a midday fluke.

2. Finish the novel I'm writing and sell it. I did neither of these things. Just like the first goal, the summer totally killed the momentum I'd built up over the first six months of the year on this one. But I started writing again a few weeks ago and I'm excited about the book again and, all things considered, I did accomplish a lot that first half of the year--the book is about halfway done and clocking in at 222 pages (72,025 words), which means it'll end up being about twice as long as the longest of the previous books I've written (I write YA, so short is the norm). And in my completely objective opinion, this is shaping up to be by far the best book I've ever written.

3. Finish school (forever) and get a good job. Yay! I actually did this one. Sort of. I did finish school (forever) and I did get a good job; it's just not the full-time librarian career-type job I had in mind. But that's by choice, as the part-time work-from-home job I did get is ideal for our current life situation. And there's a chance both job and life situation will be changing this year, so we'll see what happens here.

4. Have more compassion. Yeah, this was totally a passing phase. I've had moments of compassion, to be sure, but between political events and a six-month marathon of being irrationally angry at my kids, I've had some real low points here.

So that all adds up to something like 37%, or a big fat F. Woot!

Bonus Points:

While I haven't done so well with goals, I did phenomenally with my New Year's resolution. I have responded (at least with a general "thanks for the comment") to every single comment posted on this blog. I'm glad I did, too, as it made me feel more like this is a social activity and not just me practicing verbal masturbation while people watch. (Isn't that a nice image?)

Also, this year I saw the fruition of 2007's writing goal, which was to "make five writing submissions, or one successful submission, whichever comes first." I did not make five submissions in 2007, but I did submit a paper on the last day of the year, then found out a month or two later that it was accepted, and then just last week I found out the article has been published in the most recent issue of Knowledge Organization. So watch your local academic library specializing in library and information science for "Minoritization vs. Universalization: Lesbianism and Male Homosexuality in LCSH and LCC." It's a real nail-biter. (And just in time for the above-mentioned possible job change, which entails sending out CVs, now fortified with added publication.)

And, because I'm a masochist, watch this space for 2009 goals, coming soon. As soon as I figure out what they are.

Who dat is?

2009-01-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

That's just my baby daddy!

If not for the magicks of the internet, treasures like this might be lost forever.

You know you're a grownup when Santa brings you underwear...

2009-01-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

...and it's one of your favorite gifts.

Apparently Santa doesn't know what size I wear, though, as he got me a size too big. It happens a lot--my rear is surprisingly petite. Today a trip to Target alleviated that problem. (They didn't have any larger rears, but they did have smaller underwear.)

And now my belated Christmas present to you, dear blog readers, a picture of me wearing my new underwear:

...keep scrolling...

...you're in for a real treat...

...and here you go, a picture of me wearing my new underwear:

And looking pretty darn sexy, with that extra chin!

Bust Your Windows

2008-12-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

As bitter breakup songs go, this one ranks right up there with "You Oughta Know."

A New Year's Eve Toast to Earth Sign Mama

2008-12-31T21:30:00.001-07:00

If I won $50,000 on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, I would pay off my school loans. And then I wouldn't have any money left. But pretending for a moment that my school debt is not quite that horrendous, I would then buy a couple hundred CDs and several hundred comic books. Maybe I'd buy myself some superhero undies. If I were feeling really generous, I'd buy each of my family members a candy bar.

My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is much more generous with the $50,000 she won on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Apart from the nice little chunk of cash she gave each of her children, she paid for a family vacation in San Diego this past weekend. She paid for the rooms in a very nice hotel, she paid for every meal, she bought plane tickets for those who needed them, she paid for San Diego Zoo tickets, she spoiled her grandchildren with overpriced memorabilia and treats that their parents would never buy them. All we had to do was show up. And then enjoy a weekend of having grandparents and aunt and uncles entertain our children.

It was fabulous--a great way to end the year.

What did your mother-in-law get you with her game show money?

Judging by the Color of One's Skin

2008-12-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

After the all-out flamewar that erupted from yesterday's highly-controversial post, I've been wondering the following: Do you suppose that as high a proportion of the (very few) female dinosaurs that (may or may not have) really existed had pink skin as their modern-day animated counterparts? Why or why not? Please keep your response to under 1000 words.

(Yes, I know Cassie is a dragon, but really, what's the difference?)

The REAL Reason Dinosaurs Went Extinct

2008-12-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

I mean seriously, have YOU ever heard of a girl dinosaur?

Didn't think so.

Happy Inter Solstice!

2008-12-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Internet Friends,

You may know that today is winter solstice and tonight Chanukkah begins, but did you know there is another holiday today, celebrated only in cyberspace? Today is Inter Solstice, a day to celebrate the holiday season by making charitable donations in honor of your online friends. So just for you, dear blog reader, this morning I've made a (small) donation to Doctors Without Borders.

If you'd like to spread the holiday cheer to all your virtual friends but aren't quite sure where to start, you can find a few ideas here.

Happy holidays!

Love,

Mr. Fob

Mr. Fob's Bowling Tip #2

2008-12-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

If you bring small children with you, don't pay for more than one game.

Mr. Fob's Bowling Tip #1

2008-12-20T20:29:00.000-07:00

Take small children with you so no one looks at you funny for using the bumpers.

I Miss You Most at Christmastime

2008-12-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a little over a year now since God died. Or at least he stopped existing in my mind. I notice his absence from time to time, often when I'm scared or lonely or otherwise needy and a lifetime of religious training gives me the impulse to pray, only to be cut short by the recognition that I no longer believe anyone is listening. Other times I'm feeling particularly happy with my life and I don't know who to thank. His absence has been particularly notable in the past week or so as we've begun to listen to Christmas music and the familiar songs bring with them powerful feelings inseparably connected to beliefs long dead, signifiers that have lost their signifieds. Christmas has always been such a happy time of year for me and now I'm left wondering what to be happy about--why should the birth of Jesus mean more to me than the birth of Siddhartha Gautama or Muhammad or Joe the Plumber?

If I honestly take into account how important religion once was to me, the removal of God from my life really was equivalent to the death of a loved one, and at the time I was so relieved to be free of a belief system that had caused me so much pain that I never took time to mourn. The other day my father-in-law sent me an article about studies being done on the positive effects of religion on health. The article says that critics of these researchers see an agenda to sneak religion into science and point to the impossibility of separating religious belief from other factors such as the social involvement a religious community brings. I had actually been pondering the effects my lack of religion has on my emotional wellbeing for a few weeks before I read this article. Like the critics of these religious researchers, I worry about jumping to unfounded conclusions about the necessity of religion to human health, but I am interested in what it is about religion--whether the sense of belonging or the beliefs themselves--that contributes to physical, mental, and emotional health.

In an attempt to do a little research of my own and to fill that hole left in God's wake, I've decided to give the Universal Unitarian church a try, hoping to find in it a place where I can be part of a community of people who have common goals of finding peace for themselve and others, but require no belief in any kind of doctrine. I've also found a renewed interest in Buddhism and other forms of spirituality. I feel no need for religion to explain the nature of the universe to me--I trust science and basic observation to suffice there--but I am interested in finding what one atheist Buddhist minister from the UU church describes as "a roadmap to train the mind for happiness."

Meanwhile, I suppose I'll enjoy Christmas for its trees and pretty lights, for the joy of giving and receiving, for the happy times with family and friends. It's hard sometimes to see beyond the pain and suffering brought to the world both historically and recently by people who call themselves Christians, but this Christmas season I'll do my best to remember the good things Jesus and his teachings offer, to find some common ground where I can rejoice along with those who believe him to be the son of God.

In Semi-Solidarity with the MoHos

2008-12-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

You might not know that November was National Wear Your MoHo Uniform to Church Month. Despite the fact that I've never liked the term MoHo much and I don't consider myself a Mo(rmon )Ho(mosexual), I thought it would be nice to participate in honor of my many gay Mormon friends. I ran across a couple problems. First, I don't go to church or, for that matter, any place that requires a dress shirt and tie. I overcame that problem this morning, albeit a week late, by attending a service at the local Unitarian Universalist church. I was overdressed for their casual Sunday meeting, but not so much that I felt uncomfortable.

The second problem was that although I have several blue dress shirts, it turns out I don't own a single green tie. I found a remedy by reversing the official MoHo uniform with a green shirt and a blue tie. MoHo purists, who stick to the official (albeit backward) definition of the term as a Mormon who happens to have ties to homosexuality, might find this inversion appropriate, as I am by their definition a HoMo, a homosexual who happens to have ties to Mormonism. Never mind the fact that the shirt and tie really don't go well together at all.

Please note, everyone, that if this trend catches on and other LGBT former Mormons hop on my green-shirt-and-blue-tie bandwagon, leading to the adoption of new terms to define gay Mormondom--i.e. "Are you a Blue Shirt?" "Oh, no, I used to be, but now I'm a flaming Green Shirt."--I want you (I'm looking at you, Oxford English Dictionary) to remember that I was the first.

Dodging Another Bullet

2008-12-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am not one of the Top 11 Lamest Blogs.

Possible Reasons I Don't Remember Any of the People* I Went to High School With Who Have Recently Found Me On Facebook

2008-11-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

1. I was secretly more popular in high school than I thought I was, so everyone knew me even if I didn't know them. And why wouldn't I be, with a face like this?

2. Similar to #1, but not so much popular as recognizable. As in, "Hey! I remember him--he was that white guy I went to school with."

3. A variation on #2: Perhaps one of the other two** white guys I graduated with was more popular than I and people are mistaking me for him.

4. The whole experience was just so traumatic that I've blocked it out.

5. I was so self-absorbed in high school that I failed to recognize there were other people around me***.

6. I am not really me, but rather a clone of me who was given (most of) my memories in order to pass as me while the real me rots in a secret prison somewhere in La Mancha.

7. Alien abduction****.

*And when I say "any of the people" I mean anyone but you, dear blog reader who happens to be a high school friend who has recently found me on Facebook. Because of course I remember you.

**Literally--I counted.

***Note that this is likely true (of me in high school as well as me in the present) whether or not it explains the failure to remember old acquaintances.

****Note that #6 and #7 are not mutually exclusive.

Gender Confusion

2008-11-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Dandypratt sent me a link to GenderAnalyzer, an automatic tool that guesses whether a given website is written by a man or a woman. It's 76% sure that I'm a man. Of course I went through and plugged in every blog I could think of. A couple interesting results:

GenderAnalyzer is 64% sure that FoxyJ is a man. Wouldn't that make for an interesting twist in our story? Boy, we really fooled you all, didn't we?
GenderAnalyzer is only 58% sure that Samantha Stevens is a woman, noting that she's fairly gender neutral--apparently Tolkien Boy needs to do a better job of impersonating a female.
GenderAnalyzer is 98% sure that Theric is a woman. I know that Th. often posts comments using his wife's Blogger ID, but has Lady Steed secretly been writing her husband's blog all this time?

Apparently the trial run has proven the tool to be less accurate than anticipated; there's some speculation as to why here, as well as plans to try to improve the process. I'm curious to see if they're able to make this work accurately, or if it ends up being the case that there simply isn't that significant a difference between men's and women's writing.

Shared Solitude

2008-11-21T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was FoxyJ's and my seventh anniversary. We got a babysitter for the first time in months and went out for bowling, frozen yogurt, and Borders browsing. Then we came home and watched Smallville, which was a special wedding episode just for our anniversary (never mind the fact that the groom got impaled and the bride got dragged off to the Arctic by a Kryptonian monster). It was a nice evening.

I am not by nature a very social person. I like my quiet and I like my solitude. It's pretty horrible of me to feel this way, but often when the children are demanding my attention I wish they'd just go away. I sometimes envy my single friends whose time is their own, who can spend five hours reading a book or browsing Wikipedia or taking a nap and not have to justify their use of time to anyone (never mind the fact that few people, single or not, ever have five hours of free time to do anything).

I've actually tried living that fantasy life of solitude, though, and it wasn't as great as I'd imagined it would be. It was, as a matter of fact, kind of lonely. Tonight Emily Pearson posted a little about her evolving thoughts on marriage, citing a line from Shall We Dance?:

[We get married] because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything – the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time, every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness."

When I lived alone for three months in a mildewy basement apartment in Seattle, with much of my time free to spend as I pleased and no one who cared what I did or didn't do, that's what was missing: a witness.

I'm thankful to witness my children's lives as they grow, to have them to witness mine. I'm thankful to put them to bed every night by 7:30 and have peace and quiet for the rest of the evening. I'm thankful to have someone to spend those evenings with, and I'm thankful that person is FoxyJ, who's happy to spend those evenings together watching a movie or playing Scrabble, but is also happy to pass the evening quietly reading a book or browsing the internet. As I write this post the children are sweetly sleeping (is it bad that I love them most when they're asleep?) and Foxy is sitting on the guest bed next to the desk, researching for a paper on Titus Andronicus (never mind that the play ends with everyone brutally murdered and/or eaten). We each have our solitude, but we have someone to witness that solitude, to be there when we decide we aren't in the mood to be alone anymore.

All things considered, I'm a pretty lucky guy.

Spiraling Deeper Into Madness

2008-11-19T20:57:00.001-07:00

I eat the blue ones last because they're the prettiest.

Flip-flopping like a Massachusetts senator (or, for that matter, a Massachusetts governor)

2008-11-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Elder Lance B. Wickman, member of the Quorum of the Seventy, ca. 2007:

It really doesn’t matter what you call it. If you have some legally sanctioned relationship with the bundle of legal rights traditionally belonging to marriage and governing authority has slapped a label on it, whether it is civil union or domestic partnership or whatever label it’s given, it is nonetheless tantamount to marriage. That is something to which our doctrine simply requires us to speak out and say, “That is not right. That’s not appropriate.”

Official LDS church press release, 13 August 2008:

The Church does not object to rights (already established in California) regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights, so long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the family or the constitutional rights of churches and their adherents to administer and practice their religion free from government interference.

Salt Lake Tribune, 17 November 2008:

In a written statement to The Salt Lake Tribune late Monday, church spokeswoman Kim Farah said, "The Church is not planning on commenting on civil unions for the time being."

But spokesman Michael Otterson suggested a few days ago to a Washington Post reporter that the church's post-election remarks were "based on civil unions in California and that no decision has been made regarding similar rights in Utah," the paper said. "I don't want to give the impression that the church is saying civil unions in all cases are OK," Otterson was quoted as saying.

So now I'm confused. Are civil unions okay or not? Why would you say one thing in one context but something completely different in another context? Perhaps this explains it:

Leaked internal memo, LDS church, 4 March 1997:

Elder Oaks was the first to recognize that in the political process that in order to win this battle, there may have to be certain legal rights recognized for unmarried people such as hospital visitation so opponents in the legislature will come away with something. This is proving to be the case [in Hawaii and California].

In other words, in liberal states like California and Hawaii, the church is willing to allow gay couples little perks like hospital visitation rights in order to get them to shut up, but in ultra-conservative Utah no such concessions are necessary. When passing Prop 8 was all that mattered it was important to make it clear that they're pro-marriage, not anti-gay; now that they've won it's not so important.

It's one thing to see politicians put words together creatively and even lie in order to get what they want, but it's downright depressing to see religious leaders, who you'd expect to be concerned with truth above all else, so skilled at the dirty game of politics. I was angry this morning but tonight I'm just sad.

The Tipping Point OR Speculating the Unspeculatable

2008-11-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

If you had asked me a year ago--and several people did, at one time or another--whether I thought the Mormon church would ever change its position on homosexuality, I would have said (a) I don't care, (b) I don't know, and (c) probably not. Once I left the church I ceased to care what they believe because it doesn't affect me, at least not directly. Honestly, I believe the church's teachings on homosexuality do horrible damage to gay people in and out of the church by teaching that who we are is a lie, but I suppose I see that as something so far out of my control that it's not worth my time and energy worrying about. I had come to recognize lies for lies and truths for truths, and I've seen countless other people do the same. It's rarely a painless journey but hell, nothing is.

Even the fact that the church regularly told its members to vote for anti-gay legislation didn't concern me too much, because it's not like Mormons make up a significant portion of the voting population in many areas of the world. The past six months have proven me wrong in my assumption about the extent of Mormons' potential influence on secular legislation, but even now I'm not particularly invested in the church announcing that same-sex relationships are just as valid in the eyes of God as opposite-sex relationships. They're welcome to go on believing that homosexual behavior is sinful, so long as they learn to keep the legal codification of that belief within the bounds of their own membership.

So today my answers (a) and (b) remain the same, but I'm no longer so sure about (c). My belief that the LDS church was unlikely to ever change its stance on homosexuality was based in the same reasons most Mormons will give: the eternal nature of gender and family relationships are so entwined in basic Mormon doctrine that it would be impossible to pull the beliefs about homosexuality out without unraveling the entire belief system.

I began to question this assumption, though, a couple months ago when Scot posted about a talk given in 1954 by an LDS apostle in which pretty much the same arguments the church uses to oppose same-sex marriage today were used to oppose mixed-race marriage then. It's really quite jarring to read the racist rhetoric used in talks like this one--I was born a year after the revelation that gave black men the priesthood and so have seen very little of this side of the church's history. To think that church leaders could talk like this at BYU or in General Conference, and that people just accepted it, is both apalling and enlightening. One can't help but wonder if fifty years from now Mormons will be just as appalled by the heterosexist rhetoric used in today's fireside devotionals and conference talks.

It's hard to imagine how the church would reconcile acceptance of homosexual relationships with the rest of their doctrine, but I'm sure it was once just as hard to imagine how a God who is "the same yesterday, today, and forever" would change his position on plural marriage or on the exclusion of the "descendants of Cain" from the priesthood. The common explanation of those changes now, looking back, is that the church changed policy, not doctrine, or that it was just a matter of the Saints misunderstanding God's will. I doubt, though, that those Saints would find your opinion any less heretical if you were to go back in time and tell them this.

Over the past several weeks I've developed a theory: In order to survive an institution must evolve; the LDS church has shown this ability to evolve and thus has thrived over the past century and a half. One of the church's virtues, in fact, is its ability to change, based on the doctrine of continuing revelation. If not, it would have died out a century ago. There came a time when in order to survive the church needed to change its position on plural marriage; the world at large simply wouldn't tolerate a church that continued to practice a marriage system that had mostly died out in Western civilization centuries earlier. It changed and it survived. Later, there came a time when the world at large would not tolerate a church that continued to deny some of its members the most basic and essential rites of its doctrine (i.e. eternal marriage) based simply on their race. This is not to say that anyone was going to step in and take away the church's right to practice its beliefs, but that people would not want to associate with a church they saw as racist, and so the membership would dwindle away to nothing. The church changed and it survived.

Curious to see if the facts supported this theory, I looked up the historical growth rate of the church and found this on Wikipedia:

At first glance the graph supports my theory. Right around 1966, at the height of the Civil Rights Movement, there's a rapid decline in the growth rate, which doesn't find its way back up until 1989, once the church had had a decade to move away from its image as a racist organization. Before my supporters pat me on the back and my naysayers jump on me, though, let me say that this correlation is far from proving causality. It doesn't take into account, for example, the fact that the late sixties also saw a lot of mission-age young men otherwise occupied in Vietnam, which would certainly have an impact on the growth rate. For all I know studies have been done showing the race issue had absolutely nothing to do with the drop in growth rate.

But I believe, nonetheless, that if the church had not changed its position on race it would not currently be the 13 million-member worldwide organization it is. There would have come a tipping point in public opinion after which people simply would not even talk to representatives of a church that held onto antiquated beliefs about race.

That time will come too for homosexuality. This post about evolving public opinion on gay rights and gay marriage (which I just don't get tired of linking to) suggests that time is not all that far away. Either the LDS church will change or it will cease to exist. History--not only the history of the LDS church but also the history of the similarly-dogmatic Catholic church--tells us that ceasing to exist is not a plausible reality. I suspect that long before it gets to the point where most people (within and without the church) are no longer willing to consider the possibility of a faith that excludes same-sex couples, the church will change.

Of course the skeptic in me sees this as a simple matter of LDS leaders changing what are ultimately arbitrary beliefs, but my theory doesn't require the assumption that the church is not indeed led by a prophet inspired by a true and living God. The Mormon understanding of the revelation on the priesthood is that Spencer W. Kimball pleaded and pleaded with God until he received the answer he sought--that all men could hold the priesthood. Perhaps all that's needed here is a prophet, spurred by a declining growth rate, who pleads with God until he gets the answer he's looking for, an answer current leaders don't see not because it's not there but because they haven't even thought to ask.

Or, alternatively, the world might fall subject to a cataclysm brought on by global warming or terrorism, sending people running back to the comforting arms of fundamentalist religion and the reassuring belief that it really was all the gays' fault. Because it always is.